AHOY, BUTTS. I am overrun with very important tasks today, so I shall dispense with the pleasantries (I'm not entirely convinced that you don't skip right over my weekly intro anyway) and get right into last week's WINNARZ (that's "winners" spelled with an "a" and "z." Keep up). Each one will receive three million dollars in cash and a deflated balloon. HOW EXTRAVAGANT!
Sparklers' Choice (with 16 votes): METALHEAD865! Congrats, buddy, I knew you could do it! Check out his hilarious story right here:
I come home from class and he's stretched out on his bunk again, texting someone. His hammer's on the floor next to the bed. For once, he's foregone his usual armor and red cape for a T-shirt and jeans.
I fling my backpack onto the bed. "'Afternoon, Thor," I sigh, flopping onto the mattress.
He looks up. "Good morrow, Kevin," he says, pushing some of his long blond hair out of his face. Man, I wish he'd get a haircut. "How was thine Calculus test?"
"Let's not talk about it, man," I reply, pulling out my laptop and logging on. "How'd your science class go?"
Thor groans. "The professor has his head in the wrong place," he says, exasperated. "He is trying to teach us something called 'meteorology'. And he explained that thunder and lightning occur when a 'cold front' meets a 'warm front'." He picks up his hammer. "Wouldst thou believe it?"
Yes, I would, but I know what he wants to hear. "No way, man," I say, faking incredulosity. "Everyone knows you're the bringer of thunder and lightning."
He smiles. "Thou art a good friend, Kevin," he says, picking up his phone and looking at it. "By the way, Andrea wants to know if thou wouldst like to come to her party tonight." He looks at me. "Art thou up for it?"
*ANDREA? The hottest girl on the soccer team? YES!* I think.
"Yeah, I guess," I say. "Tell her I'll go."
Thor texts her back. "Wouldst thou mind giving me a ride to the mall?" he asks.
I sigh. "Dude, I've been giving you rides all week. Can't you walk it this time?" I ask.
Thor's face goes from a smile to a confused frown. "But thanks to me thou art going to a party," he says. "And I saved thou from the giant robot that attacked the campus last week. Couldst thou not return the favor?"
"Come on, man," I reply. "You can do that flying hammer thing, right?"
He looks down at his hammer on the floor. "Well...yes, I suppose," he replies, getting out of bed. "Thou art low on gasoline anyway." He picks up his hammer - Mjolnir, right? - and points it at the window.
"Dude, don't -" I try to say, but it's too late. Thor lightning-blasts a hole in the wall. He then starts to whirl his hammer around until it's nothing but a blur, then flies through the hole into the sky.
I sigh. Avengers. You can't live with 'em, but you can't live without 'em.
Dagger's Choice: Briar_Rose_Unwritten! I loved your clever take on a traditional fairy tale! cait8booklover, you were a very close second; your Hunger Games story was fantastic!
I will kill her if she doesn’t stop singing.
Most people use ‘kill’ as a figurative word. I have stopped using this phrase figuratively for some time now.
Singing in the shower isn’t REALLY a big deal. I mean, she has a nice voice. She shuts the bathroom door. She doesn’t sing at an unreasonable hour. No, I suppose it really isn’t HER that’s a problem. It’s the animals.
It started slowly. Butterflies flitting in through the open windows. My cat meowing at the door. Neighborhood dogs running to the edges of their yard. But more recently… well, the situation has gotten worse. My mother came through the door with an armful of groceries, and in followed three squirrels, a raccoon, and an owl. When we tried to call an animal control center, she cried. So we had her go outside and sing until they all followed her out there.
Last night, she was singing as she was brushing her hair in our room, and suddenly, there was a deer trying to climb through the window. It got stuck.
Okay, the animals are annoying, but it gets worse. She takes food from ANYONE. One time, a toothless man on the subway offered her a bite of his salami sandwich, and she ACCEPTED. You have no idea how difficult it is to explain to her why this is not acceptable in modern day society. She doesn’t understand.
And she has this thing about short people. She loves them. That shouldn’t be a bad thing; it’s not like she hates them and is rude to them or anything. But… she gets really strange. She re-names them. And this name is typically a personality trait that this person typically exhibits. One time, she met an… unpleasant... couple, and she called them “Grouchy” and “Witchy.” She says it in such an upbeat and positive manner, you can hardly get angry with her for it.
Except, they didn’t take it as well as I had hoped. So I had a lot of running—er, explaining, to do.
She’s terrified of apples. Mirrors typically make her scream. And she avoids old women like the plague. One time, I came home to find the house immaculately cleaned, which was nice, until I found her sitting on the living room rug singing “Someday My Prince Will Come” surrounded by at least fourteen bunnies and a small flock of birds.
And yeah, she’s gorgeous. Some would say she’s the “fairest of them all.” I say she’s a fairly difficult roommate.
But at least she’s better than my last. The girl was always borrowing my shoes. And she always lost the left one.
TheCheesyMustache—I loved your list of the reasons you dislike him!
MagickedJengi—so well-written! But I can't figure out who it's about—will you fill me in?
A hearty congrats to all of you! And now for this week's prompt, which you can view here!
Can't wait to see what you come up with!