Chelsea Dagger vs. Dan Bergstein: The Great SparkLife War!
Howdy Sparklers! Metalhead and I (crazywritergirl) were overwhelmed and ecstatic at the response to last week’s article. Thanks to one smashing commenter, I have a new singleness-power line: “I am a strong nerdy white chick…” You, my dear, are creative and awesome. If you ever run for president, I am voting for you. Although the single people won the day, you takens really held your ground with some super impressive comments. This week we're back for more fun and votes with the by-demand topic…CHELSEA DAGGER VERSUS DAN BERGSTEIN!! Oh yeah…we went there. Just two things to touch base on before we begin.
1. If Metalhead and I ever seem overly-supportive of one idea (example: CWG implies that being taken is like being in slavery while MH says that being single is akin to being dead), just remember that we may not always feel that way in real life. I have been in a few relationships myself, I am BK, I actually do LIKE being in relationships when I feel like it. I also embrace my current singleness with vigor. Metalhead…well, actually his side was right on the money. BUT remember…this is kind of acting. We aren’t overzealous freaks…or ARE we?
2. Umm…ship, shipping, shipped? I don’t really know what that means, but Metalhead mentioned something about fandoms. I love you guys, but if I ever find any fanfiction about me, there will be blood…
Now that we’ve got that over with, BACK TO THE SHOW!
This Week's Topic: Chelsea Dagger VS Dan Bergstein
Metalhead in defense of Chelsea Dagger
So when Crazywritergirl and I decided to write Chelsea Dagger vs. Dan Bergstein, my choice was no contest. Nothing can defeat my eternal love, appreciation, and allegiance to Dagger, Sparkitor-in-Chief and Empress of the Universe.
-She sweats and is not afraid to admit it. In fact, she’s proud of it. “Chelsea Dagger” and “sweat” are basically synonyms. Look it up in the thesaurus. Wait, it’s not there? WELL IT SHOULD BE.
-She gets excited about EVERYTHING. Actors, books, good music—everything. And you can tell BECAUSE SHE TYPES EVERYTHING LIKE THIS. RIGHT, BUTTS?
-She can totally multitask. How else do you keep an entire website running and still have time to blog about celebrities, books, movies, and judge a weekly writing contest?
-She’s totally not unattractive. (That is a rhetorical device called “understatement,” by the way.) Have you SEEN this woman? SMOKIN’, BUTTS. SMOKIN’.
-Finally, unlike the other side of this argument who shall not be named, Supreme Empress Dagger is actually STILL WITH THE WEBSITE IN QUESTION. CWG, I’d like to see you try and beat that.
Crazywritergirl in defense of Dan Bergstein
This is by far the hardest topic yet! I lost the coin toss and didn’t get to have my dear Chelsea. (Secret Message for Chelsea: I still love you, Dagger! Remember: The secret cliff-diving frisbee championship that Metalhead is totally not invited to is at a quarter past midnight tonight! Be there or I will have to sacrifice another minion to the dragon-squid-monster!) But seriously, I still loved reading Dan’s stuff when he was on here. So here is a smashing list about why Dan is awesome!
-He read Twilight so we didn’t have to. Dan sacrificed his time and brain cells for us! THE MAN IS PRACTICALLY A MARTYR!
-Dan has taught me how to write better. Now when I am writing dialogue for my stories, I always watch saying “mutter/s/ed” or “murmur/s/ed.” You don’t even realize how much you say those words and their various variations until you get called out on it by the almighty Dan!
-His drawings…c’mon Sparklers, tell me that you didn’t save EVERY GOSH DARN ONE OF THOSE SMASHING SKETCHES TO YOUR HARDRIVE!
-His deleted scenes! You know how he writes those awesome deleted scenes?! ARE THEY NOT THE PINNACLE OF HILARITY!?!
-Emmet. Dan’s slightly sarcastic and uproariously funny devotion to Stephanie Meyer’s only kind-of-cool character has taught us all something important about life…we just don’t know what.
-And finally—*drum roll*—I took the Are You Compatible with Dan Bergstein quiz a while ago on Sparklife, and the two of us are practically soul mates. We are actually getting married next March at platform 9 ¾. Emmett is the best man. The ceremony starts promptly at 1,478 seconds past dusk. Be there with your sarcasm hands and plenty of pudding.
MH: Maybe you won the last three rounds, but this time I’m right for sure!
CWG: What makes you so certain of THAT?!
MH: Because Chelsea Dagger is The Hawtness! Dan is just…Dan.
CWG: Are you saying that Dan is not hot?
MH: Did I stutter?
CWG: What does stuttering have to do with this?
MH: Sighhh….what does Dan have that Chelsea doesn’t?
CWG: A thorough knowledge of Twilight…and mad illustration skills.
MH: Chelsea has thorough knowledge of EVERYTHING ELSE. Writing contests. Good music. Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who is freaking awesome, by the way). Dan just draws and disses Twilight.
CWG: Dan supports Harry Potter…don’t forget that!
MH: What, and Chelsea doesn’t?!
CWG: She doesn’t support it through smashing sketches, chapter summaries, and deleted scenes…DAN DOES THAT!
MH: Chelsea doesn’t need to. She’s just that awesome.
CWG: If Chelsea’s so awesome, then where is her compatibility test? DAN HAS ONE OF THOSE!
MH: Because she doesn’t need one. Everyone is compatible with Chelsea.
CWG: Except her evil twin…
MH: Plus, in case you don't know, Supreme Empress Dagger happens to RUN this website...since when does she have an evil twin?
CWG: Since forever! Apparently you don't know her as well as you thought!
CWG: Are you speechless, sire?
MH: I know that when I said she was The Hawtness, I meant it completely literally. Have you SEEN this woman? She's the only person I know who uses sweat as a fashion statement AND MAKES IT WORK.
CWG: Now you are circling back...do you want to know who her evil twin IS?!
MH: I suppose I have a right to know. Just making a point. Carry on.
CWG: It's....DAN BERGSTEIN!
MH: THEY DO NOT EVEN LOOK ALIKE. GOODNESS.
CWG: That's what they want you to think. You have already fallen under their twinly spells...
MH: Well, apparently Chelsea must have vanquished her evil twin, because do you remember the most important argument for the Dagger? SHE'S STILL AROUND.
MH: Don't go trying the evil twin theory on me again.
CWG: No...they joined together to create an even more powerful entity. They are probably watching us RIGHT. NOW.
MH: If that's true, I'd better get suited up to take said powerful entity down. Because everyone knows I'm the only mortal powerful entity that's allowed to exist.
CWG: pfft...you are one of two...I"M still here! And I'll watch them take you down. Then I can rule the world! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
MH: Oh please. Yeah, there's another one, but it's not you. And I know who it is…NATASHA!
CWG: Who the hecksies is Natalia?
MH: Haven't you READ my NBK posts? Natasha is my Drama-addict crush.
CWG: I can't identify with your NBK posts! I'm 100% BK...also, I flunked out of drama. Have you read my posts?!
MH: Just the one where you TOTALLY DISSED MY CHOICE OF MUSIC MEDIA
CWG: Pfft...are you still hung up on that? And if you haven't read my posts, then you don't know anything about me!
MH: I'm still hung up on EVERYTHING you argue with me about, which totally includes this argument that we're SUPPOSED to be having right now...
CWG: How about we just decide this thing with a rousing game of rock-paper-scissors?
MH: Bring it on!
CWG: rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
CWG: rock, paper, scissors, SHOOT!!
CWG: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, SHOOT!!!
MH: Hey, WHAT?
CWG: Ahh! I've been ratted out! I actually love Chelsea with the intense passion of a thousand burning suns! I CAN'T DECIDE WHO I LIKE BETTER! IT'S TEARING ME APART!!!
MH: I…I…I…I LIKE DAN TOO! THE INDECISIVENESS OF IT ALL IS KILLING ME!
CWG: *sniff* Maybe…maybe we should just let the Sparklers duke this one out.
MH: Yeah…let’s do that.
Well Sparklers, how did you like that? Hot enough for you?!
Here are this next week’s possible topics: Spiderman VS Batman (c’mon guys! Let’s do this!), Phineas and Ferb VS Kim Possible (because this was pretty popular last voting), Music VS Books (Metalhead likes music with a passion, I love my books…I sense a war!), One Direction VS Justin Bieber (because we can)
Get to those voting booths guys! Remember, in your comments you have to
1) Vote for Dan or Chelsea
2) Vote on next week’s topic
3) Suggest a topic of your own!
NOW GET CRACKING!