NOTHING! I did nothing this entire summer. You can stop reading right now because I’ve got nothing to say. Zero, zip, nada.
At least, that’s what it feels like whenever I think about the last 117 days. Lucky for me and my awful memory, I took a picture every single day this summer and here’s what happened: I shopped, baked, read some books, played a few video games, and watched way too much TV. I saw several movies, dyed my hair, started teaching myself Italian, gave my dog a bath, and babysat my little brother. I did some papier-mâché, pet a llama, went to a concert, explored a cave, did some laser tag, and mailed 7-month-late Christmas presents. I went to Hershey Park, Disney World, Six Flags, the Jersey Shore, and New York City in a limo. Seriously, when you hear all that, it sounds like I’m one of those people I’m jealous of on my Facebook newfeed for being way more awesome than me.
There’s only one last thing I have to do this summer—and that’s write this recap for all you lovely people who have gone 17 agonizing weeks without a single word on my love life. If this is your first time reading about the epic saga of Faye/Ash, Buon Giorno! You’re all in for a treat, because even though I only saw my boyfriend for a total of 2 weekends this summer, both were filled with excitement, suspense, horror, and of course romance.
Waiting at the airport for Ash’s flight to arrive was nerve-racking. It was mid-June which meant I hadn’t seen Ash in over a month and I could not stop the butterflies in my stomach from flipping out over whether things might have changed. As soon as I saw him though, and ran into his arms all cheesy movie like, it felt as if we had never been apart.
My friend once described my house as “exciting,” which is just a nice way of saying crazy. Even before Ash and I are at the front door, my house attacks. My dog is barking like a maniac as she attempts to jump over the gate. My 8-year-old brother, shirtless as always, answers the door and harasses Ash with random questions and comments from the get-go. Mom yells up the stairs for my other two brothers who come bounding down, apparently starving from waiting for us to arrive. Over all the noise and confusion, Dad tries introducing himself although I’m sure he couldn’t hear anything Ash said. Ash barely has time to place his bag inside before he and I are squished in the backseat of Dad’s car on the way to a diner, Jay sitting between us and talking Ash’s ear off the entire way.
If you’re waiting for the hot and steamy portion of this weekend, you’re going to be about as disappointed as I was. Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a private moment with your boyfriend while your brother is asking him which character is best in Super Smash Bros? REALLY hard. And then when Jay was asleep and we thought we might actually have a few minutes to cuddle, Mom bursts into the room to “check the window.” I can’t blame her though, because I was about ready to jump out the window after that.
Ash admitted to me that after he got home that he had a nightmare about Jay. I wasn’t surprised. Don’t get me wrong: I love my insane house and my loud family, but when I start dreaming about Jay turning into a quiet white rabbit, I know it’s time to go back to college.
Whereas my house is one loony toon away from a madhouse, Ash’s was the epitome of peacefulness when I visited him at the beginning of July. Like something off the pages of Home & Garden, it was perfect. His mom even had a welcome present for me waiting in the guest room: jellybeans! I know, “the grass is always greener on the other side,” but seriously I think they have a landscaper or something because their lawn looks great.
Actually ALONE in the guest bedroom the first night, Ash kept making fun of my mom’s lame excuses for needing to check on us when we were at my house. Ash confidently proclaimed, “My parents give me space,” and then I playfully punched him in the arm.
It got later and we were still talking, catching up and joking around. Somehow I wound up sitting on top of him in the bed, but when I say we were just talking, that isn’t code for something else. We were actually just talking; I’m pretty sure we were discussing Yu-Gi-Oh The Abridged Series or something silly like that. And then we hear a voice from the doorway, “Do you kids need anything?” Of course the door was wide open and his incredibly sweet mother, the lady who got me freaking jellybeans, was standing there while I was straddling her son. I immediately jump up, turn bright red and can’t even face his mother I’m so embarrassed while he gets a stupid grin on his face and says we’re fine. The rest of the night I obsess over the fact that his mom must now think I’m a huge slut, and would probably take the jellybeans back. I’m going to say it was the most embarrassing moment of my 19-year-old life and now this story is on the internet for the world to see. You're welcome.
Anyway, despite my promiscuous behavior, Ash claimed that his mom really liked me. The rest of the weekend was filled with video games, a museum visit, sneaking into a college tour group, and the best worst movie of all time: Birdemic. Go ahead, Youtube that and prepare for the best worst 90 minutes of your life.
I even did something with Ash that weekend that I’ve never done before. I….pumped my own gas! Whoa, what were you thinking? Come on, you all know I’m not the dirty pirate hooker that everyone assumes I am. Also, if you’re playing “Where in the continental United States is Faye?” your search has been narrowed down to the two states where nice men pump my gas for me.
Except, I won’t be there for much longer because tomorrow it’s goodbye summer, and hello sophomore year of college. Are you ready Sparklers? Because this is going to be TOTALLY AWESOME!
Was your summer as exciting as Faye's?