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My Weirdest Childhood Beliefs

My Weirdest Childhood Beliefs

By Melissa Albert

Compared to babies, who literally think you stop existing after you leave their field of vision, little kids are pretty smart. But although they can grasp basic concepts like "I have feet" and "Cheerios are delicious," the world is still very confusing for them. With so much to figure out, there are bound to be some misconceptions. Among the many, many unlikely assumptions and non-reality-based fears I had as a kid, these are some of the weirdest:

1. The Wizard of Oz is performed live every single time I watch it. And the Beatles are always hanging out in a studio somewhere, ready to play "Rocky Raccoon" whenever I turn on the stereo.

2. My brother is actually timing me when I run like the wind to get him a soda. Other big brother-related beliefs: Freddie Krueger lives in the woods behind our summer cabin rental, and watching someone play Super Mario is more fun than actually getting to play Super Mario.

3. I want to live in my parents' house forever! Because stranger danger. Also: scary noises, dark spaces under beds, closets.

4. Even PICTURES of sharks can be deadly. Just the sight of a National Geographic in the doctor's waiting room was cause for alarm.

5. An evil doll lives inside the fan grate in the bathroom ceiling and watches me when I pee. This fear began soon after my dad gave me an antique carnival doll, a dead ringer for the horror movie role of "doll that comes to life and kills them all." I really hope she doesn't read this.

6. The amazing thing about bragging is that everyone believes you. I thought you could get away with anything! I can't even count the number of times I told people that my dad's handball injury was caused by him jumping off a skyscraper.

7. If you get good at anything, you are instantly famous. Celebrity feats I cultivated included bouncing a ping-pong ball on a paddle lots of times, climbing a medium high tree, and drawing really round-looking circles.

8. When you listen to music, the singer can see you. So it's important to put on a sundress when your brother plays sexy-sounding rock bands.

What was the weirdest thing you believed when you were younger?

Topics: Life
Tags: life lessons, siblings, growing up, funny things, childhood

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About the Author
Melissa Albert

Melissa Albert reads books, worries about other people’s dogs (they look thirsty), and eats horrible candy for fun and profit. When not wearing her extremely tasteful Sparkitor hat, she’s an editor for the Barnes & Noble Book Blog. You can find her on Twitter @mimi_albert, or in the hot pretzel section of your local cafeteria.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.