Let Me Give You Bad Advice: One Direction Shame
I can't decide between red and blue nail polish, and I'm certainly not taking the easy way out and going with purple... What do you think?
This is a tough question. I am inclined to suggest red with blue stripes, but that seems too patriotic for any day that isn’t the fourth of July. I think the best, and least compromising solution, is to simply nullify the question all together: get rid of those hands! The question is so difficult to answer that the best answer is a good ol’ fashioned hand loss. To guide you, here is a list of unsafe hand activities: ax juggling, blindfolded lawn mower repair, bear feeding, the game of fingers (quite popular with the iron born), and knife-holding hand claps. Any of these should clear up those growths on the end of your wrists, and with them too your nail polish woes.
Reid, I want to divide by zero but I dont want the world to explode. How may I acomplish my goal without ending in apocalypse?
Dividing by zero, though espoused by some to be “impossible” or “real dumb” is actually quite easy to do! With the right methods the world won’t explode, burst into flames, or even hiccup. All you need is finesse, some simple substitutions, and a little math magic, or as I call it, mathemagic. Let’s try an example together.
I was watching random videos on YouTube when I noticed something: I've become obsessed with One Direction! I was so ashamed, I started sobbing like a lost puppy. What can I do, Reid? How can I overcome this shameful obsession?
You should never be ashamed of something you truly like. Whatever it is that you naturally enjoy, enjoy it! No one should make you feel bad about what makes you happy. Unless, of course, the thing you like is One Direction. If this is the case, your problem is that you simply haven’t felt enough shame. Since we’re looking to shame this liking out of you, I would recommend a public shaming—it’s a little medieval, but it’s also pretty dang effective.
First, you’ll be adorned in One Direction merchandise: t-shirt, hat, shoes, wristwatch, tie, cape, and bicycle helmet. Once this is all fitted, you’ll be led through a sneering crowd to the town square, where you’ll climb on top of the Shaming Platform, a large wooden stage used for public shaming and also pie eating contests. The town’s Director of Shame will then announce your crimes and incite the shaming initiation. “Ladies and gentlemen,” he’ll say, “AnneWasHere stands accused of liking music made by unnecessarily adorable British youth! It is a heinous and shameful thing! Let the shaming begin!” The Director will then guide you to the stockades and hang a sign saying “One Direction Fan” over your neck. At this point, the crowd will begin throwing leftover spaghetti at you, because it’s sloppy and rude, and also because they were just going to throw it out anyway. Shaming is a good way to recycle food. Then the crowd will start doing some rude chants like “One Direction sure is bad, you should be ashamed just a tad.” The chanting is good because it’s catchy, and nothing brings a town together like a good chant. After this there’s more spaghetti.
By the end of it, you’ll have enough shame to last you through the next few boy bands, plus the community will have grown closer and gotten rid of a lot of spaghetti—everybody wins!
That's it for this week! If you have any questions that could use some sound advice, leave them in the comments and I’ll answer them next week!
Image credit: Shutterstock.com
All artwork (including that mind-blowing gif) by Reid Faylor