Recently, I decided to make an attempt at becoming a well-rounded person. I was going to tackle all the classics; read Homer’s The Odyssey, spend some time on the Battle of Hastings Wikipedia page, and possibly take a shot at understanding who or what Voltaire is. Five minutes later, I was on Netflix, debating whether or not I should watch Justin Bieber: Never Say Never (personal growth is harder than it looks). I took to the reviews section to try to discover if Justin Bieber: Never Say Never was worth 105 minutes of my time, and quickly realized that the comments were a hotbed of controversy. As part of my quest for self-betterment (this polarizing Canadian heartthrob could prove to be the greatest philosopher of our times, right?), I took on the unimaginable burden of reviewing the reviews. Humanity, you owe me.
*For prosperity 's (and hilarity's) sake, all reviews appear exactly as they are typed on Netflix.
Review 1 (5 stars): best movie ever loved it saw it in tears. I wish i can meet you.Oh,and i wanted to tell you I love your hair...
My Review: You understand that this is the Netflix comment section for Never Say Never and not the actual Justin Bieber, right? Also, to clear up any future confusion, I am also not Justin Bieber. I agree with you about the hair though. I give this review three stars.
Review 2 (1 star): This movie was extremly bad. When he as flipping his hair half the time I got a headache. I do not recommend it to anybody. I mean ANYBODY!! This movie was garbage. I thew it away it was so bad. and I am only 10.
My Review: Don’t worry parents, if history has taught us anything it’s that a child’s attitude tends to improve after the age of 10. Three stars.
Review 3 (5 stars): havent seen this movie 'yet' but i really want to!! im dying to see it! i am a bif fan of justin bieber!!He is very lucky to have a great look and voice!
My Review: Haven’t seen this movie yet?! No, not on my watch. The only prerequisite required to rate a movie on Netflix is, you know, actually watching the movie. I agree that J-Biebs is lucky to have a great look and voice, but I give this review zero stars.
Review 4 (5 stars): I want too see this movie so bad .So i can ask my mom can i watch this movie on blue ray .This is you boy hola at me if you wanna .
My Review: If I’m reading this correctly, I believe this commenter is seeking their mother's permission to watch this movie via the comments section of Netflix. Bold move. First critique: never tell your parents to "hola" at you; especially if they speak Spanish. Second critique: say please. Blu-rays don't grow on trees! Two stars.
Review 5(1 star): i'd rather have my wisdom tooth taken out without any painkiller rather than watch this...this thing or whatever it is
My Review: Somebody’s #humblebragging about mysteriously being born with only one wisdom tooth. You lose a point for boasting, but gain a point for having such seething vitriol for this movie that you felt the need to refer to it as a “thing.” Three stars.
Review 6 ( 3 stars): Let's be honest guys, he has a beautiful voice
My Review: Finally, a voice of reason! I accept your invitation of honesty, commenter. I agree. Five stars.
Review 7 (4 stars): This was okay but there was not enough Bieber! I just can't get enough of him! I think that he is the new Michael Jackson but better because he's not dead.
My Review: How about a spoiler alert!? I wholeheartedly agree with the crux of this argument: a living Justin Bieber is more talented than a dead Michael Jackson. Also, by this logic, I'm a better baseball player than Babe Ruth. Good day to be me. Four stars.
While both sides presented some interesting, well-researched arguments, I have decided to give this movie a… WATCH! I’d like to thank the citizens of Netflix for all of their hard work. I couldn't have done it without you.
Image credit: Debby Wong/Shutterstock
Have you seen Never Say Never? Do you agree with the Netflix reviews? How about the reviews of the reviews? Should we say "reviews" one more time? We'll do it. Don't think that we won't.