Ten Reasons I Will Most Likely Remain Forever Alone
So as I grow older and *cough* wiser, I am starting to see my friends develop relationships. With BOYS! ...And I was left to eat their great relationship dust. It’s just little old me now with my Youtube videos of Darren Criss and a box of Nilla Wafers in my hand, counting down the minutes until the inevitable day of my death. I’ll probably die by choking on one of my beloved Nilla Wafers and, with nobody to perform the Heimlich’s maneuver on me, die alone in my apartment only to have my body found rotting into slime. However, rotting human sludge aside, I can now blame my forever-aloneness on ten simple things.
1. The fact that I tend to scare boys. I have been told by my friends that I have a very “Get the heck away from me!” vibe. Also, I may be just a little aggressive when it comes to friends, family, and guys I like...or just people in general. My mother says it started in German Kindergarten when the teacher told her I was a victim of some bullying (my experience with German Kindergarten shows that the teachers let us figure our own problems out). Needless to say, after one recess they learned not to mess with me.
2. I always fall for the majorly wrong guy. I am completely serious when I say this. In the past three years I have fallen for the guy with a serious GF, my brother’s best friend, my best friend’s brother, and Darren Criss. I never stood a chance with any of these crushes. There’s always something or someone that keeps us apart, whether it’s an entire ocean (I live overseas) or someone else that they love. I have a problem.
3. I make too many references that only I know. This happens to me a lot. It usually plays out somewhere along these lines:
Friend: OH MY GOD! I’M BLEEDING! CALL AN AMBULANCE! PERFORM FIRST AID! DO SOMETHING!
Me: *Starts laughing out loud, but manages to say something between cries of laughter* Goyle! Am I bleeding?
Friend: *Stares at me with a look of disbelief*
I think I read somewhere that this makes me inaccessible to people who have no idea what I am talking about. I say that if they don’t know what I am referencing, they aren’t worth my time.
4. Harry Potter. However sad this may sound, it’s true. I can see how it may bug people how every time they mention the color gray I go on ranting about how no matter how much I hate him, there would be no Harry Potter series without Fenrir Greyback. (Long story short, Greyback bit Lupin which leads to Lupin isolating himself from other kids at Hogwarts which leads Sirius and company to become friends with him and to become Animagi. Lupin is the only level-headed Marauder and he helps Lily to see that James isn’t that bad. Then they get married and Harry is born.). SEE!!! Even when I am typing it happens!
5. Darren Criss. Darren Criss successfully ruined my romantic life. He set the bar too high for me. He’s basically perfect. He can sing, he can dance, he can act, he’s supermegafoxyawesomehawt, he plays Harry Freakin’ Potter in AVPM/S, he writes beautiful music, and he never fails to act super adorkable in interviews. Also he was on list of sexiest men alive in 2011! How can anyone beat that?!
6. Apparently, like Vicky from Fairly Oddparents, where my heart should be I have a black hole. I think that all of my friends and family have called me heartless in some way at some point. My mom’s pet name for me is Tin Man because I started to laugh at the end of the Titanic. I only managed to convince my best friend that I had a heart when she saw me crying during Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two.
7. I am too smart for the boys at my school. I’m not saying that I am some sort of super genius. I’m just saying that the idiots in my school are complete morons. One of the more popular people in the school who has had her fair share of BFs is on my volleyball team. While we were eating our dinner one day, she seriously asked us “How do they get the bones out of the chicken?” While this made us snort Cola through our noses, it made me think of what guys in our school are really like. I noticed that most of them like girls who are a bit dumber than them. This leads me to believe that I am too smart for them.
8. Writing novels about homicidal rag dolls is not attractive. Yes, it is awesome, but reading a chapter of the aforementioned novel to my seminar class with my best Rings of Power reciting voice is not a great idea when your crush is sitting two desks away. Also, it gives your friends nightmares.
9. I live in Germany on a military base where families move every two years on average. My family was that weird family that kept staying for "just one more year." All of those one more years have added up to more than a decade living in a place where a light bulb is changed less frequently than PCSs (Permanent Change of Station).
10. My dad’s a hunter. Enough said.
Are you forever alone? We gotta say, some of this stuff sounds pretty familiar...
Post by Starkid_fanatic!