Butts, I have a problem. I'm not talking about the gallons of perspiration that drip from my spectacularly large forehead whenever the temperature rises above 28 degrees Fahrenheit. I'm also not talking about my woeful lack of boogie skills (my signature dance move, a slice-and-dice hand jive aptly titled "Would You Like Some Hors D'oeuvres," has actually been banned in all 50 states). No, I'm talking about my addiction to ALL CAPS, that fantastic and infamous form of writing in which all the letters in a word, phrase, or sentence are capitalized. Nary a Chelsea Dagger post goes by without the inclusion of all caps, and after reading Mashable.com's fascinating article Let's Get Loud: The History of CAPS LOCK, I find myself forced to confront a cold, hard, and widely-held opinion: ALL CAPS ARE ANNOYING.
To which I reply: BLASPHEMY. Capital letters are my dearest and truest friends. They provide emphasis in Facebook posts (where italicization simply isn't an option) and allow me to seem humorous even when I'm flat out of jokes (BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS FUNNIER WHEN IT'S CAPITALIZED, SEE?!) Capital letters are the voice of the late, great Owen Meany in John Irving's classic novel, and they are also the most effective and poetic means by which to convey a profound and irrefutable truth (such as "SEVERUS SNAPE IS A NOBLE MAN" or "HEY SCOTT LUTHER, HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!?") In short, and not at all hyperbolically, capital letters save lives.
But I realize that not everyone shares my all-consuming, borderline-unhealthy love for all caps, and so I turn to you, my most trusted advisors, for a verdict. Tell me true, Sparklebutts: is the use of all caps a GENIUS LITERARY TACTIC, or an insufferably irritating crutch employed only by the weak-minded?
MAN OH MAN, I HOPE YOU PICK THE FORMER.
Are you an all caps aficionado or do you want to punch Chelsea Dagger in the throat every time she uses them?