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Bummer Summer? Tell These Lies.

Bummer Summer? Tell These Lies.

By Chrissie Gruebel

Summer. It's supposed to be great because freedom! Freeze Pops! Beach days! But sometimes, it's just not. Sometimes you're too hot to function. Sometimes the summer blockbusters don't live up to your expectations. Sometimes you're a candystriper. Since summer can slip into a downward spiral if you're not careful, you might have to lie (sorry, embellish) a bit about what you did these last few months—it makes everyone feel better! (And by "everyone," I mean you. Just you. Because you're the one who had a craptastic summer vacation, so you might as well entertain yourself to distract from the harsh, sweaty reality.)

Here are a few things you can tell your friends you "definitely did":

Learned how to pilot an old-timey propeller plane. Do you know anyone who can actually pilot an old-timey propeller plane? No? Well, neither do we. Are those types of planes even legal to fly? Maybe in air shows, but still, who cares! No one knows the difference, so if you say you went to your grandfather's farm and he taught you how to fly it, they'll probably believe you. Use words like turbines, air capacity, torque, and radiation. Actually, I'm not sure any of that is applicable. Maybe you better Google that shiz.

Made up some new slang and it caught on like gangbusters. What's your favorite phrase? Do you even have one? If not, maybe go to a random phrase generator and get a good one. For argument's sake, I did it for ya'll and I got: "traditional ditch." There are so many applications for this. You can be like, "My mom is boring sometimes, so on Saturday night, I gave her the traditional ditch and went out with my friends." (In this fake scenario, your mom ends up going out bowling and then to Chili's with her friends, so don't feel bad about what you fake-did). Or maybe you can say, "I felt bad so I had to give my ex the traditional ditch face-to-face." (In this fake scenario, you totally did the mature thing.) Or even: "My dad and I dug a traditional ditch this weekend; there was so much dirt. But at least the deer won't eat our vegetables anymore." (This actually happened. No deer were harmed.) Hate it? Fine. Get your own.

Took over Coca-Cola corporate … but you didn't change a thing. Instantly believable.

Went on 36 roller coasters. The best part? You can come up with your own roller-coaster names because if it's more than five, no one will ever fact-check you. Here are a few to start you off: The Chicken, The Epi-Lady, The Trash Compactor, Mystic Spiral, The Gremlin, The Panic! At the Disco, The Boys of Summer, Rainbow Road, The Loop-di-Loop, The "Play it Again, Sam," The Donald, The War Horse, The Billy Elliot, The Preposterous Mess, The Traditional Ditch (heh), The Cult, Monster Bite, The Numerator, The Denominator, and George Clooney.

Started a family band. I'm gonna keep pushing this until someone does it. We need more family bands. Look at the JoBros!

Went goth for a bit … then went back. Get a lot of black eyeliner and put it on. Wipe it off. Put it on again. Wipe it off. Put it on one last time. Wipe it off. It will look like it's been there awhile and that's what you want—enough residue to convince people that you spent time in basements dressed in black lace and fishnets. But also not enough that you look like you got punched in the eye repeatedly. It's a fine, fine line. We trust you to find it.

Liberated a bunch of puppies from a puppy farm. Everyone loves puppies, so your friends will be super happy with this story. Actually, there's still a month left in summer—let's actually do this. Who wants to? I call all the Jack Russell terriers!

Which of these are you planning to use? Dibs on Operation PUPPY FARM FREEDOM!

Topics: Life, Back to School
Tags: lies, boredom, summer, friends, stories, boring things, fun things, summer break

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About the Author
Chrissie Gruebel

Chrissie Gruebel is a bunch of things separated by commas, but more often than not, she’s a writer, comedian, and wearer of too many colors at once. Here she is on Twitter: @chrissiegruebel.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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