Talie's Guide to Creeping on Your Crush
I’m fairly positive that it’s a requirement for all teenage girls to be creepers. Think about it: it’s basically impossible for us not to creep, with Facebook and Twitter and whatnot. And those girls who claim that they never creep on people are either lying or an alien sent to Earth to observe the behavioral patterns of teenage girls. If the latter, let me break it down for you: IT’S BASICALLY A REQUIREMENT.
With that said, I did something off of the Bucket List! And it left me feeling creepy. I mean, creepier than usual…
Numero 14: Stake out someone’s house while wearing all black, decked out with top-notch creeping gear.
I reached a whole new level of creepiness previously unknown to man. I now officially dub myself the Alpha-Creeper. The creepiest of all creepers.
This is what happened: A friend of mine, let’s call her Lily, found out that a cute guy in her math class lives in the same town we do. Now, Lily has never talked to this boy in her entire life. He’s just one of those guys who she can only admire from afar and can only date in her dreams. Due to my extreme levels of boredom, I accepted her challenge to discover where her Hottie McDreamy Pants lives. It took many resources it discover his location, so I bring you...
Talie’s Guide to Finding Out Where Your Crush Lives!
- Look on Facebook. Find pictures of his/her house/the front of the house. See if you can recognize the surrounding area.
- If this fails, or simply as an extra precaution, Google his name with your town's name.
- Write down his address and push down all feelings of weirdness due to the increasing creepiness of the situation. They will fade the later you stay up.
WARNING: If you are as subtle as a fireworks in the middle of June, it is recommended that you do not try the following at home. Even professional creepers such as myself have botched this.
It only took us about fifteen minutes to find where he lives. Not gonna lie, I was pretty proud of myself. Until I realized that it was really weird… but I managed to use a beautiful tool called denial and got over it. We waited until the dead of night and made sure we were appropriately clothed in all-black. We also made sure to grab my brother’s old pair of binoculars.
…Okay, I feel creepy just typing this. But it must be told, so I will continue for the Sparklers' sake. You’re lucky I love you guys.
I drove us over in my white car, which wasn’t the stealthiest choice, but WHO CARED. Because I’m pretty much an expert at creeping people’s houses, I stealthily parked a couple of blocks away. Just in case Cute Math Man drove by, we kept to the trees to shield ourselves from the eyes of the cars that drove by. We had a MAJOR LOTR moment. It was like I was Aragorn, and she was Frodo. I was guiding her to the lands of Mordor, AKA Cute Math Man’s house. We decided that the best location for us to do our stake out was in these giant bushes to the right of the front door...and we might have army crawled across the road to make sure that no one could see us from the windows.
We only staked out Math Man’s house for 10 minutes, tops. And there was absolutely no activity in there WHATSOEVER. It was actually pretty boring. We just sat there, watching his house with a pair of crappy binoculars. And my leg fell asleep BIG TIME (this is a major part of the story).
It pretty much sucked. I was about to suggest that we go back to my house and watch reruns of How I Met Your Mother, when a voice behind us said, “Uh, can I help you?”
I’m pretty sure the sound that came out of my mouth was a mix between a strangled cat and a dying hyena. Lily looked like she'd peed her pants. We turned around and found, to our absolute horror, MATH MAN. STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.
Oh, but it gets better. He then proceeded to say to Lily, “Hey, you were in my math class last semester, right?” Which is a pretty calm and accepting thing to say, under the circumstances. Lily just stared at him, and then ran away. RAN AWAY. And left me there with Math Man, who stared at me like, “So whatcha gonna do?”
So I got up in the most dignified manner possible, which wasn’t easy, considering that I was sprawled across the ground. I said, “You have a lovely home.” And then I ran away. CORRECTION: I tried to run away. But because my leg was so utterly numb, I could only succeed in doing this weird limp-shuffle-run thing. I tripped right in the middle of the road, but instead of getting up, I just crawled across. It was pathetic.
Looking back, it was funny...but at the time, I pretty much felt like I was going to die. Lessons to be learned: Creeping is okay...to a point. But don't try to be an Alpha-Creeper. Just say no.
For the song from my last post: AHH there were so many beautiful choruses (chorusi…?) that y’all put in the comments! I LOVED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Me and Deidra need to decided which one to put in el songo, and we shall let you know by next week!
Till next week, my lovelies!
Have you ever achieved this level of creeper-ness?