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Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Cheer Up Your Pet!

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Cheer Up Your Pet!

By reidfaylor

FROM: Caracupcakes

My pet cello is very depressed. He never leaves his cage, and barely eats his favorite foods (stewed parsnips) How do I cheer up the little guy?

I have some potentially upsetting news, Caracupcakes. Cellos don’t eat stewed parsnips. Cellos don’t fit in cages. A cello is not a “little guy.” I hate to tell you, but I think your pet cello … is a viola.

I know this is a shock. “But I thought it was just a baby cello!” Nope, cellos are born big from the moment they crawl from their egg sacs. On the up side, this explains why your pet is so unhappy—you’ve been raising it as the wrong instrument! Imagine all the identity issues. Start treating it like a viola; take it on walks, feed it boiled liver, and don’t forget to tune it daily. You should notice a marked improvement in its mood almost immediately.

FROM: wallflower19

What is a non-violent way of telling people "no"?

Take your open palm and slap them over the ear until they go deaf.

Oh! “Non-violent”—I somehow missed that word.

I would think simply saying “no” is about as non-violent as you can get, but I think I see what your problem is. You are so adverse to violence and disagreement that the very word “no” feels too brutal. Thus, you need some manner of disagreeing that sounds like you’re being polite, but in actuality gently informs people that you do in fact disagree. Some may recommend being passive aggressive, but I think this can often be misinterpreted as simply being respectful and nervous. What you need to be is sassive aggressive. Like passive aggression, it is a method of disagreeing without actually voicing dissent, but unlike passive aggression, it’s super sassy. Let’s do some examples:

“Can I borrow your hairdryer?”

“Oh gurrrrl, your hair always looks dried out enough as izzzz.”

“Do you want to see a movie tonight?”

“I would, but I already had plans to sit by myself and think about stuff all night mmm hmmm oh gurrrrl.”

“Mind if some people come over?”

“Sure. Mmm hmmm.” This is then followed by a dozen finger snaps.

If you noticed, in the examples the sassive aggressor never actually says no, but they imply it. Plus they get to be really sassy and snap a lot. If you can’t snap though, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe you’ll just have to agree to everything.

FROM: AcidSparks

Have you finished reading Feline Wizard yet? You said you'd write a review.

FROM: PlathAddict16

I have a sad problem. I wrote a totally fabulous book—really mind-blowing, about a feline wizard—and this guy keeps mocking it in his blogs. I don't understand! It's masterful! It's awesome! It has prose so purple it makes an eggplant look lame! What have I done wrong?

Ok! Ok! I will keep my promise—I will read The Feline Wizard. But I need to finish Dance with Dragons first; I’m halfway through! And PlathAddict16, I wouldn’t necessarily say I am mocking the book, I just like to bring it up as often as I can, out of context, and repeat that it’s a book about a princess who turns into a cat by rhyming. I’ve never said anything directly mean about the book, I’ve just endlessly reiterated the synopsis, a synopsis so ludicrous that merely talking about it sounds like ridicule. But seriously, I bet the book will be awesome. I bet the book about a princess who turns into a cat by rhyming will be awesome.

FROM: Invader_Pinkie

My sister wants me to go to dungeons and dragons night every Wednesday no matter what. It is fun and all, but I have a life. How can I get out of going to dungeons and dragons night?

Take your open palm and slap it over their ears until they go deaf.

No really, this is a precarious situation. You don’t want to hurt your sister’s feelings, but you also need to free up your Wednesdays. The answer is clear: play D&D poorly. But not just poorly, play it so bad they stop inviting you. I can help make this happen.

The first step you need to take is to rename your character, something simple yet stupid; I recommend “Jim Sunglasses.” You know how you normally do a lot of battles? Not anymore. Jim Sunglasses only reads poems. Your Dungeon Master may refuse this at first, so it is crucial that you roll a hard 20 to ensure this works. You can’t deny a 20. From there, spend your turns rolling the dice to see how what kind of poems you read—the quality will be based on rolling the D20 plus your intelligence modifier. “Oh no, I rolled a 3! Bad poem! The rhyme scheme is all A B A Q? What is that!?”

Upon enacting phase two, when you announce that Jim Sunglasses is suddenly pregnant and needs twice as many items since he’s questing for two now, your party should get the idea.

That’s it for this week! If you need any advice, leave your questions in the comments and I’ll answer them next week!

Topics: Life
Tags: sparklers, pets, advice, questions, bad advice, reidfaylor gives you bad advice, d & d

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

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