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9 Ways to Cope With a Bad Kisser

9 Ways to Cope With a Bad Kisser

By kat_rosenfield

You know what's great? Kissing. You know what's really great? Kissing with tongue! And you know what's absolutely repulsive? Kissing with tongue when your kissee's preferred technique is most aptly compared to that a burly construction worker jackhammering at a particularly resilient chunk of concrete.

Whether they're naturally overzealous, utterly clueless, or suffering from the unfortunate lack of social graces that comes with having been raised by wolves, people who use too much tongue are a sad but inevitable fact of life. And that's never more true than in high school, where the combination of enthusiasm and inexperience can lead some misguided kissers to view their tonguing technique as a matter of quantity, rather than quality.

But don't worry, little Sparklers! Because whether you've already encountered one of these slobbering beasts in the wild, or whether you're an NBK knowledge-seeker, or whether you literally have someone else's tongue in your mouth right this minute and are reading this in a state of extreme emergency, we have multiple strategies for asking your beloved to please stow that mouth muscle safely in his own face garage. Why not try...

A STRAIGHTFORWARD REQUEST
Hey, can you back off a little bit with the tongue? Thanks.

A METAPHOR
Your tongue is a hair clog in the drain that is my face.

JOKES
You: Hey, here's a fun one! What's the difference between your tongue and a giant writhing slime muscle that makes me want to puke every time it passes my lips?
Your S.O: I don't know, what?
You: THERE ISN'T ONE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

SARCASM
"If I wanted to eat this much tongue, I'd ask my grandma to pack my lunch."

A LIMERICK
There once was a dude named "Your Name"
Who thought close-mouthed kissing too tame.
But he used too much tongue,
And it tasted like dung,
So he stopped. Would you please do the same?

LEGALESE
Dear [Name of Tonguer]:
This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your persistent actions as regards the entry of your tongue into my mouth will no longer be tolerated. You are ordered to stop such activities immediately as they are being carried out in violation of the law. Or at least of basic human decency.

This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted tonguing before I pursue legal actions, including but not limited to taping your mouth shut, taping my mouth shut, and/or suing your parents on charges of neglecting to teach you proper kissing etiquette. To ensure compliance with this letter, and to halt any legal action I may take against you, I require you to fill in and sign the attached form and mail it back to me within 10 days of your receipt of this letter.

Sincerely,
[Name of Tonguee]

THREATS
Put that thing in my mouth again, and I'm going to tear it out by the root and feed it to my chinchilla.

RAP
(spoken to the rhythm of "Baby Got Back")
I hate your tongue and I cannot lie
You oughta know the reason why
When you wrap your hands 'round my itty-bitty waist
And your tongue goes in my face I go
URRRRGH!
Wanna pull off your tongue
Have you noticed my mouth is stuffed?
Your tongue's like a station wagon
It's gross and I can't stop gaggin'
Oh baby, you're touching my uvula
And I'm gonna puke on ya
My homegirls tried to warn me
But that tongue you got (CHORUS) Makes me so squirmy!

OTHER LANGUAGES
Ease-play op-stay utting-pay our-yay ongue-tay in-hay y-may arynx-lay. Anks-thay.

Would you use any of these to get a wayward tongue out of your mouth?

Topics: Life
Tags: kissing, dating, making out, how to, bad kissers

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About the Author
kat_rosenfield

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.