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Unlikely Superheroes

Unlikely Superheroes

By reidfaylor

With all the summer blockbusters, we seem to get distracted by the big name superheroes: Iron Man, Spiderman, Batman, and so on. But there are so many more superheroes out there that fly under the radar. (Is this a pun? We can’t tell.) Here are some of the more unlikely, lesser known heroes.

White Pants Vance—Originally a normal person named Vance, after being subjected to a secret Naval Reserve experiment, he awoke to become White Pants Vance.

Power: Can wear white after Labor Day and before Memorial Day to only occasional criticism.

Costume: White slacks, brown socks, a jacket if he gets cold (no shirt).

Nemesis: The fall and winter selection at Macy’s.

Greg “Bingo” Cordova—During puberty, a latent genetic mutation manifested itself, and Greg found himself with the extraordinary ability to win every game of Bingo that he plays. He only uses the power for good… somehow. We don’t know. Maybe he only plays for orphans or something. Can you really use Bingo for evil?

Nemesis: Connect Four Simmons

Wander Woman—A woman whose power is “being a drifter.” She wanders from town to town, and yells at people waiting for the bus.

Nemesis: Society.

Wyatt Power—Happens to be the only person alive still named “Wyatt.”

Nemesis: Himself (the guy has a severe inferiority complex).

Super(fluous)man—Just like Superman, this alien-come-to-earth can leap buildings in a single bound, run faster than a speeding bullet, eat a whole bird in one bite if he has to, but unlike Superman he has a superfluous third nipple.

Nemesis: Taking off his shirt at the beach.

Nick Tattoo—Nick, a vocal and rebellious youth, one day falls into a vat of radioactive tattoo ink on a tattoo ink factory tour. As he is pulled from the vat, he discovers that he now has an obvious and distasteful neck tattoo. Also, he completely contaminated that whole vat, which is a lot of product and not good for the manufacturer who had quotas to meet.

Power: Can still get hired for an above minimum wage job.

Weakness: Turtlenecks.

Dr. Doeslittle—A veterinarian one day falls into a vat of radioactive tattoo ink, and when she emerges discovers that she can talk to the animals. Not with the animals, mind you. She can just generally talk at animals.

Often confused for: That guy at the zoo who yells at the animals.

Costume: A lot of khaki.

Urine Trouble—Can make strangers go to the bathroom for him by thinking about it really hard.

Special ability: Never has to go to the bathroom at a movie theater.

Nemesis: The Poopadour.

The Orphan—Just like Batman, at a young age his parents were killed in front of his very eyes.

Power: Continuing to be an orphan.

Other power: Few obligations during the holidays.

Weakness: Seasonal depression.

Bat Dan—Dan was just a regular Dan, until he graduated with a masters degree in chiropterology (the study of bats).

Power: Being mildly interesting at parties.

Fear: Commitment.

Hat Woman—A young woman, in trying to broaden her wardrobe, discovers she looks good in every hat. Understanding the responsibility that comes with such power, she vows only to use it for good.

Nemesis: Trish. Trish and Hat Woman used to be friends in middle school, but there was some drama and now they don’t like each other in any way whatsoever. Trish thinks the hats are stupid.

Topics: Life
Tags: superheroes, fiction, lists

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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