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One Sentence to Rule Them ALL

One Sentence to Rule Them ALL

By Chelsea Dagger

You guys are like the Saurons of the interwebs—not in that you're plotting to cover all the world in an endless darkness, but in that you've managed to craft something irresistibly  powerful and impervious to flame or sword: A SENTENCE.

That LOTR analogy didn't go as well as I'd hoped, but we can't all be masters of the written word. I shall settle for being a master of sweat, and leave the scholarly scribing to you butts, who proved your mettle once again last week by coming up with a stunningly smart set of opening lines. Below are the winners and runners-up, who will each receive immortality (courtesy of my main man Elrond) and an all-expenses paid trip to the temperate and beautiful Mount Doom.

Sparklers' Choice (with 17 votes): exitpursuedbyabear! Her butt-tastic sentence won your hearts with its unexpected hilarity:

I've never been a fan of butts, but his called to me: beautiful, firm, absolutely sculpted... the essence of manliness-- which, looking back on, is quite the contrast to the womanly scream he emited when I grabbed it.

Disqualified (but still brilliant) Sparklers' Choice: SparkLife's very own tech genius Juliana (aka jberger0923234234), who submitted a beautiful tale of vegetable gibberish by accident and ending up receiving 19 votes!

Dagger's Choice: PurpleNerdNumber7! She nearly made my snort iced coffee out my nose with her simple opening line: My retainer was unbelievably disgusting.

A close second was ArinFlameSeer with her awesome submission: It was an acknowledged truth that the pen was mightier that the sword, at least until some one came to a duel with a pen, thus bringing the phrase 'never come to a swordfight with a pen' into existence.

Dagger's Runners-Up:

ChocolateyFingers

LuckyCharmsLizz

HollytheKitty

Sydney8771

thePurpleRavenclaw

XTheInvincible

floweroni

WoodytheWoodChuck

_highfive_

pi_timesxtothey

wallflower19

ArinFlameSeer

jedialonza

sarcasticprocrastinator

writersoul

My-Fair-Googie

Fiction_is_Forever

jolieg15

missieoftheworld

Caracupcakes

kraye211

Abra-Kedavra

Lizadizdiz

Invisible_Things

yeahhthatgirl

beautifulblonde7

AreWeHuman?

AceOwl94

Bluebird_13

moho14

iheartsomeone

phoenixfromtheashes

CrazyGiggleGeek

kungfupanda298

fastberry2112

PlathAddict16

purpledino372

StarsAreFlying

the_lol_chick

xdream&dox

JMKhungergamesfan

Bookweirm

Briar_Rose_Unwritten

ThePensivePensieve

annacarmen4376

TheDoctorsWife

StarsHideYourFires

Florion

HeyHeyItsEmily

i_think_in_ink

sarcasticprocrastinator

secret_shakespeare_nut

WhiteEyedCat

babykitten2727

PurpleNerdNumber7

TheWrongWriteTrack

thil13

WhySoManyUsernames

MissRaminK

TheTrojanTiger

The_Annabeth_Chase

LovableLexie

WishingForGlasses

AnneGable

Yaz793

YouGoFirst

HighOrderoftheNargles

ProudlyDorkyGeek

OboePenguin

IBlameWhatsisname

alittletoomuchBAZINGA

agentoboe

sligers118

sksk3

A.J. Sci.co

AuburnHairAndTawnyEyes

serenitykay321

Congrats errrvrubody! I look forward to reading these sentences on the first page of all of your upcoming novels. In lieu of a new prompt this week, I'm going to point you on over to Emma's awesome fiction contest! The prompt is to write a story that is EXACTLY 100 words—and there ain't no flexibility in the rules, butts, so make sure you count those words CAREFULLY. The winner will receive a copy of Auntie SparkNotes' brand new book (and also eternal fame and glory). You can submit your stories in the comments here if you'd like, BUT they won't be considered for the contest unless you send them to contribute@sparknotes.com! The contest closes on Friday the 13th, so you'd best get a'writin'!

Topics: Books, Life
Tags: fiction, short stories, lotr, sparkler fiction, writer wars, opening lines

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About the Author
Chelsea Dagger

Since 2010, Chelsea Dagger (known in real life as Chelsea Aaron) has been SparkLife's sweatiest editor. She's currently working on a how-to-kiss guide for teens, and when she's not conducting smooch-related research on her life-size Joseph Gordon-Levitt cardboard cutout, she's eating pancakes, stocking up on industrial-strength deodorant, and destroying everyone at Harry Potter trivia. (EXPECTO PATRONUM!)

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.