Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Fix Your Little Brother!
how to get rid of a serious rash?
This is really a question of how attached you are to your respective body parts. Ha! Attached! It’s like a pun. But seriously though: doctors have no cure for rashes, and the only recourse is immediate removal. But here’s where science comes in: any part you remove they can replace. You don’t even have to replace it with the same thing. “Oh man, I’m so sad I lost my leg to rashes. But do I have to get another stupid leg?” No way! With science, you can replace that leg with something exciting, like a sword, or a motorcycle wheel, or maybe even a wheel with big pointy “sword-like” projections on it. “But what if I lose my arm? Do I have to get another stupid arm?” Absolutely not! You can replace an arm with a sword (it keeps popping up but it’s seriously one of the better options), or even a big spoon. Remember how you can’t always find a spoon? That will never be a problem again.
Another option: if medicine has failed you, have you considered witchcraft? The best approach is to go through all of the Harry Potter books and speak aloud each magic word you encounter at your rash-y area. While not all of them are actually magic words, I am very convinced at least some of them are. Lumos! Did that work? Keep going. Nox! Nothing? Well, keep it up. Technically, a book isn’t allowed to discuss magic if it isn’t at least in some way actually magical; this is why I’m convinced invisibility cloaks are real. If you follow through you should be rash-free by the Half-Blood Prince!
My little brother is really gassy. What can I do to make him not gassy?
Gassy little brother? Glad you came to me—I can make this all better. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but the problem with his gassiness isn’t necessarily that he’s producing a lot of gas, but rather that it’s getting out. Everyone makes gases; most of us are just polite enough to keep them packed tight inside. It appears your model of brother was made with a weak seal, probably a design flaw on the part of the manufacturer, not serious enough for a product recall but still bothersome. These little problems can pop up in production, but often get overlooked. How old is he? If he’s past two he’ll be out of warranty, but thankfully it isn’t too hard to fix right at home with simple tools. Here are the supplies you’ll need: screwdriver, automatic sander, level, wood glue, and duct tape. First, give your brother a thorough inspection; you’ll need to identify the leak in the seal. If the leak isn’t visible by sight, try running soapy water over the problem area, and if you see it begin to bubble this is where you want to focus. Next, take the duct tape and wrap it securely over the leak and don’t be afraid to use a lot of tape—be generous! Once this step is done, go ahead and repeat the step again, wrapping his problem gassy area with duct tape over and over until it’s airtight. Finally, remember the other tools I asked you to gather? Go ahead and put those back in your toolbox, because I actually just got a little excited about the project and seriously overestimated the amount of tools needed. To ensure the tape keeps its seal don’t let your little brother take baths and avoid rain/outdoors.
What do you do if you have annoying neighbors?
The best way to get rid of annoying neighbors is make them realize internally just how annoying they really are. Most likely, they don’t view themselves as bothersome, they probably think they’re great neighbors, because very few people have the insight to tell when they are being bad. Thus, to illustrate their annoyingness, simply copy their irritating behavior and magnify it. Do they play loud music at night? Play louder music at all times of the day, but just play the same song over and over again—if you need a song recommendation I will say that “Who Let the Dogs out?” is timeless. Do they throw parties and take up all the parking on the street? Drive your car on their lawn in the rain and destroy their grass. Do they spread gossip to the other neighbors about you? Start a small brush fire in their backyard. After their lose their lawn, their sanity (one can only handle so much “Who Let the Dogs out?”) and their house to an out of control brush fire, they’ll be sure to realize the error of their ways.
That’s it for this week! Missed last week as I was out of town, but do not worry—I will never abandon you again! If you have any pressing concerns that could use some advice, leave your question in the comments and I’ll answer what I can next week.