Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Why are you always playing by everyone else's rules, Aquarius, when you're smart enough to play by your own? Keep that in mind this month, and the next time someone tackles you in football, shout "checkmate," and cram a pawn in his eye. If he's still conscious, add something about how you're the apple of his eye and bonk him with apples. That will show everybody. Your cheesy 1920s gangster name is Larceny "Burgles" Jail Criminal. Your lucky flightless bird is the Titicaca Grebe.