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How to Cope When Your Mom Brings Up 50 Shades of Grey

How to Cope When Your Mom Brings Up 50 Shades of Grey

By Rachel Korowitz

Thanks to 50 Shades of Grey, the ladypr0n trilogy that started out as Twilight fanfic, you've now got a 87.6% chance of needing brain bleach after talking with your mom. (Relatedly, you've got a 93% chance of hearing the phrases "sexual awakening," "letting my freak flag fly," and "You can take yourself to the ER, right? I'm reading.")

That's why we've come up with these easy ways to divert the convo away from literature's most gripping love story since Bella fell down for the twelvety-billionth time and Edward glowered gloweringly.

  1. Describe surgery. It's pretty hard to feel sexified when you're nauseated. Use a graphic surgical or medical description to turn off the estrogen and ramp up the ick.
    Mom: ...and then Christian and Anastasia start to—
    You: I saw this amazing amputation on cable. This guy had a gangrenous leg, and when the surgeons cut into it, a geyser of pus just shot across the room!
    Mom: *holf*
    You: Let's talk about anything else now!
  2. Interrupt constantly. You know how annoying it is to try to get a sentence out when someone's constantly non-sequituring over you? Yeah. Do that.
    Mom: ...and then Christian and Anastasia start to—
    You: Please don't ever do karaoke!
    Mom: Excuse me! I was talking abo—
    You: Only Bon Jovi should sing Livin' On A Prayer!
    Mom: What? Bon Jovi isn't even—
    You: Karaoke affects one in four moms, Mom! I hear you sing in the shower—don't deny that you want to! You want to do karaoke!
    Mom: Well, sometimes I like to sing, but—
    You: It's just a gateway, MOM! First, it's karaoke, and then it's mime classes, and the next thing you know, you'll want to join an adult improv group and I just can't handle you headlining at the Chuckle Hut on Tuesday nights! I just can't handle it! NOT NOW.
    Mom: I—okay. I won't do karaoke.
    You: I've saved a life here today. Hold me.
  3. Turn into the skid. Have you ever heard that phrase, "it's got to get worse before it gets better"? That's your tactic here.
    Mom: ...and then Christian and Anastasia start to kiss, and it's so passionate because there's so much behind it!
    You: Oh, wow! You should talk to Dad about this and see if he can incorporate some of these techniques into your physical expressions of love.
    Mom: Yeah, I—what?
    You: Mom, it's just a universal truth that every couple has their own particular set of intimacy issues. Now, I didn't realize that you and dad were hiding so many passions and desires from each other. Tell me: how uninhibited are you two with each other? For example, when you're about to engage in coitus, do you show Dad—
    Mom: GO TO YOUR ROOM.
  4. Regress. Dust off the old high chair and strained peas. It's time to rediscover your toddlerhood.
    Mom: ...and then Christian and Anastasia start to—
    You: NO! NONONONO!
    Mom: Excuse me! Rudeness will not be tolerated in this house, young—
    You: Read me a story.
    Mom: Why do you want to—
    You: READ ME A STORY!
    Mom: You're not three, you know.
    You: I want Richard Scarry or I'm going to bite through my wooby and you can't stop me and I hate you and you're not my real mom and *starts wailing/hiccuping/drooling and incoherently yelling*
    Mom: Who are you?
    You: *throws full plate of food at dog*
    Mom: We do NOT throw food!
    You: Richard SCARRY.
    Mom: And we do not make demands!
    You: RICHARD SCARRY OR I—
    Mom: WHAT?
    You: Uh-oh. *makes worried face, grabs butt*
    Mom: Peace out.

Has your mom tried to discuss 50 Shades of Grey with you? How did you handle the dreadful situation?

Topics: Books
Tags: books, awkward situations, moms, embarrassing situations, 50 shades of grey

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