Beware layers: Some layers around your face are, whatever, they’re fine if you’re of the Jennifer Aniston school of hair. But layers around the back of your head are a device for the sad of butt, the saggy of neck, the concave of skull. What are you putting layers back there for, if not to turn yourself into Angela Merkel? (Sliding Doors has a lot to answer for.) Why don’t you just get a Bump It and call it a day?
Learn how to use a blowdryer: Like typing, learning to correctly wield a hairdryer seems like one of those pointless things no one is ever going to test you on. But unless you aspire to the limp momsy “the bounce in my ‘do deflated after childbirth” look, you’re going to want to PUMP UP THE VOLUME on that there mop as if your hair follicles were being irrigated with cans of Red Bull. I start by blow-drying upside-down, then use a roundbrush to blow my hair up to the sky, then blast a Katy Perry song directly at the crown of my head to finish.
Use all the ridiculous tools at your disposal: You know what moms can’t do with their hair? Purchase and use a ConAir crimper—they’re off limits for everyone over 17. Better yet, purchase and use one of those ConAir hair “braider twister things”—moms simply can’t risk losing an entire clump of precious hair to a twirling machine knot.
DO NOT go to your mother’s hairdresser: I have fallen for this trick many times. “My hairdresser [Jessie]* is great! Why don’t I book you an appointment?” Don’t listen to it, Sparklers! Mom hairdressers specialize in middle-aged lady styles—they have NO LITERACY regarding the modern-day languages of Taylor Swift or Rihanna. Instead, they are seasoned experts at creating fugly bobs for “the busy woman” (see Angela Merkel above). *Bonus warning sign: if your mom’s hairdresser’s name is in the title of a '90s pop-rock song (“Jessie,” “Jack and Diane,” “Joey”), you’re in BIG TROUBLE.
Hot up your mom’s hair: Please, a moment of silence for your mom’s hair, which used to be foxy, lustrous, thick, and full of volume (or, more likely, full of perm), until it came time for her to squeeze you and your siblings out the hatch. If you don’t want to have sad “mom hair,” then simply make sure your mom has GREAT HAIR. Treat her (I mean, she’ll totally pay) to a blowout at a salon as a fun momsy-daughtery follicle celebration.