I pledge allegiance to the swag of the United States of America. And after this roundup of horror, you will too.
1. Pretty convinced this is why Destiny's Child broke up. Run, Bey! Run!
2. PHOTOGRAPHER: Give me smoldering.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Give me happy! You won a Grammy!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Give me scared. Your Grammy was taken away!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Nothing. Oookay. Give me … um … flying high … on the wings of a … a … a… bald eagle!
VANILLI: Done.3. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this might be too formal. (Katy Perry, to herself) Ugh, every. single. time. I take off my shirt. Every time! I mean, I know I should be emoting in some way … excited or surprised or, like, I don't know. Red? Ugh, Katy. Red's not an emotion! How many times do we have to go through this! Whatever. Here I am. Singing again. Looking kind of like that chick from Twilight and wow. Sparkle boobies. Again. Is my hair in the way? Nah. Whatever. I wonder if my people remembered to DVR all those reruns of The Golden Girls for me
4. All right, Heidi Klum. You can do whatever you want. WE GET IT.
5. Sexy and reckless. Are they drum majorette booties? Are they glam peeptoe pumps? They're both, my friends. They're both. Now toss that baton in the air like you just don't care. You're now the Carrie Bradshaw of parades!
6. Guys, I want you to meet my boyfriend. He's making a statement on how the US is oppressive because it oppresses in its foreign policy and the national debt crisis … and have you ever heard of a CSA? Darfur. Veganism is the only way because meat is a capitalist. You know. That statement.
8. Still a little bit too formal. Maybe go with baby's breath instead of a tiara? I don't know. Shorter gloves? A less-aggressive A-line?
9. OMG what is up with … oh wait, that's Meryl Streep. Um. You are a national treasure. Carry on.
10. Heeled booties that look like hooves but are also covered with American flags! Fashion, Betsy Ross is rolling over in her grave because of you. Also, I don't think we're supposed to let the flag touch the ground. If it does, don't we have to, like, burn it or something? Well. Hm. I think this is actually an old-wives tale but it's not a bad idea per se. But take them off before you set 'em ablaze. This ain't Salem.
12. How Justin Timberlake ever had a career after *NSYNC is beyond me. How do you get out of this alive?