You call it a crush, your friends call it stalking. "Potato, potahto!" you breathe heavily into the phone, as your crush on the other end begs to know why you're doing this to him. Sometimes "stalker" is not a hyperbole, so it's time to come clean: is it really a crush? Or have you crossed the thin, binoculars-shaped line into stalkerdom?
Give yourself one point if you've ever:
Taken a circuitous, time-wasting route to class just because it'll take you directly past his locker.
Waited till he was on Facebook, then posted an update tailor-made to get his attention.
Pretended to be checking something on your phone, while actually photographing him (three points if you were videotaping).
Worn sunglasses indoors so you could stare at him without detection.
Driven by his house at night with your headlights off (three points if you parked).
Pretended to like one of his friends to get closer to him without detection.
Drawn a picture of you and him getting married/hanging out on the Millennium Falcon/fighting crime to make your friends laugh (three points if you drew the picture and showed it to nobody).
Give yourself two points if you've ever:
Bought tickets to see a band he likes, even though they're playing four hours away—because maybe you'll run into him there.
Befriended one of his exes to learn more about him (five points if you've befriended his current girlfriend for the same reason).
Used "Mrs. (his last name)" as your IM name or Twitter handle (five points if all your tweets are about spotting him).
Gotten unfriended by someone who is sick and tired of your constant speculation on your crush's abs and whereabouts.
Been the recipient of a pitying look from his mother, because even she knows you've got a problem (fifteen points if she's given you a frightened look).
Give yourself 100 points if you:
Are reading this really quietly, because you and your laptop are hiding in your crush's laundry basket.
Add 'em up:
0–2 points: Are you sure it's a crush? Maybe you just want to borrow his pencil.
3–8 points: Congratulations, it's a crush! You're no more crazy than any other human in love—which is to say, still pretty crazy. And who knows: maybe your sexy sanity will lead to a requiting of your relatively normal crush!
9–14 points: It's a mega-crush, with a side order of obsession. But if you start fighting the urge to scrapbook your hallway interactions now, we feel confident you won't find yourself on the wrong end of a restraining order. (Not that there's a right one.)
15+ points: Diagnosis: Stalker. Repeat after us: "This person is not worth losing my sanity over. Even the Internet is telling me I'm nuts, and there is nothing more nuts than the Internet." Also consider this: you can't go back! Sadly, the stalker-stalkee relationship never turns to love, unless you kidnap the person and they develop Stockholm Syndrome (this is not a suggestion). So take a deep breath, and consider a crush-cleansing ritual.