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Why Flip Flops Should Be Illegal

Why Flip Flops Should Be Illegal

By Ben Shurtleff

They’re too loud. Why are people in flip flops so oblivious to the noise they’re constantly making? You’re trying to concentrate on something when you hear the slap-happy approach of flip flops from the other room. So you gear up for the imminent presence of another person, only to wait and wait, until finally a friend or loved one strolls in, unaware of how distracting and weirdly suspenseful their puttering around has been, ignorant that you’ve been alert to their every movement for the last five minutes, when all you really wanted was to hear your own thoughts. “What’s wrong?” your friend asks upon seeing your face. Friend, everything is wrong with flip flops.

They’re unsanitary. Have you ever really looked at a foot? Why would you want to expose other people to your personal fungus farm, or your yellowing shards of toenail? Imagine dancing and having a great time with your friends or potential sweetheart when suddenly someone in flip flops kicks you. You will be rushed to the doctor for a tetanus shot because you've been pierced by an unsheathed talon. Which reminds us…

Why should we have to see your feet? What makes you think your feet are worth looking at? We've seen them, and they’re nothing remarkable. They’re hairy, craggy hobbit-feet, and we would spend more time describing them if they weren’t (in addition to being disgusting) also profoundly boring. So why exhibit them? It’s nothing personal. All feet are mundane and gross. That’s why flip flops should be illegal for everyone.

They’re dangerous. Once this writer was riding a bicycle in flip flops and the bike peddle lodged itself between my foot and the remarkably insecure sole of the footwear, causing me to careen into a ditch. Of course I considered legal action, but the flip flop company answered my letter of complaint with a complimentary box of no less than 30 pairs of flip flops, all of them in this weird pea soup color I would never want to wear (even if they weren’t already complete deathtraps). In addition to being hazardous to bikers, I also happen to know that flip flops are highly flammable, especially if they’re pea soup colored.

People of older generations still call flip flops by embarrassing and misleading names. Dad, in front of all our friends, when we were going to the beach: “Don’t you want to bring your thongs with you?”

If he calls them “thongs” now, who knows what a “flip flop” will mean in 30 years? Criminalize these things before we have to find out…

People want them to be shoes when they just ARN’T SHOES. You’re living a lie people! Here’s a thought: instead of insulation, let’s fortify the walls of our homes against the cold using cotton candy. Fiberglass insulation, cotton candy….the two are vaguely reminiscent of one another, so why not? How about replacing microscopes used to perform ground-breaking biomedical research with kaleidoscopes? Society would crumble if it tried to trade in the functionality of its tools with inane novelties, so why is Uncle Don allowed to top off the suit he wore to our graduation with a pair of fluorescent yellow flip flops?

What's your feeling on flip flops?

Topics: Life, Fashion
Tags: annoying things, fashion, summer, shoes, lists, flip-flops

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