These Kitchen Disasters Will Happen to You
Time to learn to feed yourself! We want to help you get over your fear of cooking, by explaining why you should have a healthy fear of cooking. Extreme temperatures, open flames, and shiny knives are only THREE ways your kitchen is trying to ruin your day. Because no matter how slick you think you are, we bet 10 exploded microwave S'mores you make these rookie mistakes:
Swapping out the wrong ingredient. Beware lines of reasoning that start like this: "I don't have eggs, so I just need to swap in something liquidy!" One hour later, you're trying to convince someone else to eat your sesame-oil brownies, which taste like sadness.
Tossing a giant salad in a tiny bowl. Only when every available surface including your face is coated in croutons will you concede defeat.
Trusting the blender to make everything taste good. "I'm like the rat in Ratatouille!" you tell yourself, tossing everything you can find into your parents' Cuisinart. It's a common fallacy that you can put ANYTHING in a smoothie and it'll still taste good. No, you can't cover the taste of broccoli with a little bit of lemon, and no, we do not want to try your "Blender Surprise."
Making horrifying coffee. The first time you use a coffeemaker by yourself, you'll approach with extreme confidence, because you've seen your parents do it one hundred times. Somewhere in between putting instant coffee in the pot part, creamer in the water part, and the resultant chemical sludge in your mouth part, you'll realize you were wrong.
Baking a large cake in a tiny pan. The resultant lava falls of molten batter will harden into oven-floor stalagmites that will outlive us all.
Doing everything wrong. Why does your casserole taste horrendous? Because you omitted six of the recipe's twelve ingredients, used sugar instead of salt, baked it in the microwave instead of the oven, and used a pan that was made on an Indian burial ground. It happens to us all.
Not making enough brownies to share with us. Get out of our kitchen. Just...go.