How to Hug
Hugging is a completely appropriate activity... most of the time. Sadly, it appears that there are a great number of people out there who just can't hug. And I mean that in the meanest way possible. Hugging is wondrous, and when people can’t do it properly, I’m ready to come at them with my yardstick, push them away, and deprive them of their hugging privileges.
I can’t bear to receive bad hugs just as much as I can’t bear to see them. I have a friend who hugged like the Dark Lord himself, and I wish that was an exaggeration. However, under my tutelage, he has become a functioning member of society and currently has about ten girls lined up for him. Do you want to get as much action as him (or at least have as many people crushing on you at any given time)? Then follow these tips:
1. Remember who’s receiving it. The point is, there are different hugs for friends, family members, and those who make you tingly. So if you’re giving a hug to your platonic life partner, don’t give them a lover hug, or you’ll send the wrong message (unless that’s a message you want to send; in which case, go for it buddy!). Similarly, if you give someone that you love a friendly hug, they might be offended or at least confused. The key to differentiating between the sorts of hugs is the placement of your hands, the length of the hug, and the closeness of the hug.
2. Give the hug your full attention. Hugs are a big deal, so don’t be distracting yourself during a hug, or I will fine you for overdue attention. What I mean here is mainly put both arms into it. Don’t just swing an arm over the recipient’s shoulder, give them a two-pat, and call it a hug. Also, don’t be looking somewhere else during the first stage of the hug (also known as the approach). Establish eye contact, because it lets the other person know that you two will be hugging. Surprise hugs are only fun half the time.
2 1/2. STOP. WITH. THE. BINDER. HUGS. I used to be guilty of this all the time—being an overachiever, I’m always running around with binders, books, calculators, flash cards, dogs, and sporting equipment. But no one likes hugging a person buried under a bunch of junk. If someone wants to give you a hug but your arms are full (or vice versa), just say something along the lines of, “Hey, it’s not a good time, I’ll give you your hug later.” Or you could say, “WEE,” fling your stuff all over the place, and give them the hug anyway. The choice is yours.
3. Consider where the arms are going. We already covered appropriate boundaries in the first step. This step is to ensure that you two fit together like two Tetris blocks. Your arms can either go up or down, and if you aren't careful, you'll both go the same way. For me, the general rule of thumb is that the taller person’s arms go on top, and the shorter person’s go below, since their arms are naturally lower and will thus lead to less awkward contorting. However, I recently learned that not everyone is me, so not everyone follows this rule. If you’re not sure, watch their shoulders as they approach you to see where their arms are going. If they don’t do anything, feel free to take the lead.
I stink because I only came up with three guidelines. I know. So while those are meant to develop you as a wondrous hugger, here is a final list of don’ts. DO NOT EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:
- Choke the person
- Grab their booty (unless you are extremely close, and if that’s the case keep the booty hugs for when you aren't in public)
- Molest them
- Keep holding on (cause you know we’ll make it through) when they are clearly trying to get away
- Leap onto someone who isn't ready to handle that
- Hug for twelve hours when you’re saying goodbye to your lover as you two go to class. (Kids, you’ll see each other in an hour, calm the hormones)
- Do ANYTHING particularly ooshy-gooshy when you’re surrounded by people. Because really, they’re not staring because they’re so jealous of your fairy-tale relationship. They’re feeling secondhand embarrassment and it’s so awkward that people can’t tear their eyes away.
Before I go, I bid thee two challenges:
1. Give someone the hug of his or her life!
2. Whenever you see people clinging to each other like they’re on the Titanic, say, “You think I wanna see this? Tough tootle birds. No one enjoys that. Sink or get in a lifeboat,” or anything else that you think really sends the message.
What are your hugging guidelines?
Post by LuckyCharmsLizz!