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Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Office Romance Can Work!

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Office Romance Can Work!

By reidfaylor

FROM: thePurpleRavenclaw

My friends and family have always told me that dating your coworkers is a bad idea, but television (namely, The Office's Jim and Pam) says otherwise. Normally, this conundrum isn't a problem for me, but I recently got a new job at a facility with a lot of extremely good looking male employees of the same age group as me. To date or not to date? That is the question. Your thoughts, Reid?

Dating coworkers can work perfectly fine, however, as you pointed out, it can only work in the Jim and Pam scenario. If you want this office romance to last, you need to replicate the exact circumstances that led to Jim and Pam getting together. You need to get engaged to an overweight jerk—do it soon, because that needs to last a few years without any hint of marriage. What’s your name? Is it Pam? No? Dang it, Not-Pam, you need to work with me here! Try and make your lives parallel theirs as closely as you can! At the end of your first year, have your Jim kiss you passionately after an office party, deny him, then have him move to another office and fall in love with the girl in Parks and Recreation while you rekindle plans of marriage, then have the other office close down, forcing him to return, then uh … do some other stuff. (This is the part of the season I didn’t watch.) Then, somehow, through all the inexplicable and awkward hijinks of your office, get married under Niagara Falls. This is literally the only way it can work. But most important of all: Make this exact same situation happen four year prior in England.

FROM: JWerner25

How can you tell if someone likes you? Is "the feeling" ever accurate, or is it just what we tell ourselves? Where do werewolves' tails go when then transform?

To be honest, you can never completely tell if anyone likes you, that feeling is far from accurate and can lead to misunderstandings, kidnappings, and hurt feelings. But what you can know is if you’re someone worthy of being liked. Don’t look outward, look inward and ask yourself this question: How much money do I have? Is the answer “none”? Then I’m sorry JWerner25, but nobody likes you. Is the answer, “Oh man like all the money ever”? Then good news: everybody likes you. Heck, even I like you! You wanna hang out? Do you have some quantity of cash in between? Then I guess some people might like you, but you could definitely get a girlfriend with more money. And keep in mind, this is not a derisive comment about women, that they only love money, rather, it’s a derisive fact about life: money is awesome! Some people say money is only a temporary happiness, and this is certainly true, but what isn’t? I’ve heard getting married is nice, but I think you still get sad eventually. Money is short-term happiness, so if you have enough it should last you awhile. As for the werewolf question: their tails go to purgatory. All dogs go to heaven, but all tails go to purgatory.

FROM: ShazamBam

Now that school and sports seasons are over, I'm highly unmotivated to stay in shape this summer. What should I do to convince myself that working out is important and beneficial?

You need to give yourself goals, future events to work toward—this keeps fitness a priority and not something that can be put off and ignored. I know people who will sign up for mini marathons or a summer sports team, simply to keep themselves on top of the ball. Similarly, putting a bounty on your own head is a good way to keep sharp and physically active. Simply put: there is no better motivator than a trained assassin.

“But Reid, isn’t there some risk of losing my life in hiring someone to kill me?”

Well … I guess. But it really comes down to the quality of the assassin you hire. The more risk you’re in, the realer it will be, and the better your exercising will go. You want to get in really good shape? Hire the most notorious assassin of them all: Gary the Eviscerator. You just want to stay a little motivated, maybe a jog here or there? Hire the least notorious assassin: Gary the Whoops-a-daisy. No matter what level of fitness you want to maintain there’s a Gary for you. And the nice part: if you are in serious danger, just call off the hit! After all, you were the one who called it in.

FROM: AcidSparks

I'm now trying to figure out what secret message you are trying to convey by the book Feline Wizard. Hmmm.... are you a seer?

What should I do if I come across a feline wizard?

I honestly just kept bringing it up to see how long it would take for anyone to comment on it. You did it, guys! It’s no inside joke or anything, just a terrible book I found that I wanted to share with the world, over, and over, and over again. If you all want I will read it and write a book report on it.

That’s it for this week! Thanks for all the questions, and if you have any quandaries you need help with, leave your question in the comments and I’ll answer what I can next week.

Topics: Life
Tags: flirting, crushes, sparklers, advice, let me give you bad advice, q & a

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.