5 Reasons IB Is A Government Zombie Program
Most IB students begin with the mindset “Hooray, a bunch of similarly academically driven classmates in rigorous classes that will challenge my superior brain!” Within a few months, however, they begin to unravel the ominous truth. IB is nothing more than a glorified program designed to turn all promising students into government zombies. “No,” you say, shaking your head, “all of the IB students I know say that they love IB! None of them have told me about any top secret program!” They do not truly love IB, they are simply zombies programmed by the IB gods somewhere in Europe and sworn to secrecy about it.
Go; find this IB student that you know of (if, of course, they’re not in some brains café somewhere). Ask this mythical IB kid why they love IB so much. Come on, I’ll wait for you. If they didn’t give some lame, half-hearted answer that’s been programmed into them by scientists like “I love the camaraderie!” or “I just adore research essays!” then they are obviously officers in the IB zombie army, which means they’re a higher form of zombie.
But where, you may ask, is the proof that IB is a government zombie program? Isn’t it merely a good idea to put all of the super-smart, OCD, perfectionist kids together, and not some evil zombie plot? Here, I’ll give you 5 reasons that IB is secretly a plot of the European governments to create a worldwide zombie apocalypse.
1. It’s international. I know, this one may seem like circumstantial evidence, but if you wanted to start a zombie apocalypse, would you do it via a small program, or one who’s octopi-like tentacles reach across the entire globe?
2. CAS hours. CAS hours are volunteer hours that are designed to make us “well-rounded students.” You need 150 hours of creativity, action, and service, equally distributed. Why would an academic program have an activity component? Unless, of course, they needed their zombies to be in tiptop shape for the upcoming zombie apocalypse!
3. Segregation of IB kids. IB classes, in most cases, are for IB kids and IB kids only. Why are they keeping the other kids out? Because we’re planning an attack on the general populace in the time that everybody assumes we’re learning calculus! Keep alert at all times, you never know when the IB zombies will strike!
4. The amount of coffee consumption. Coffee, we all know, is a socially acceptable substitute for brains. The fact that IB kids drink at least 9.8696 pots of coffee a day is also common knowledge. Clearly, they’re biding their time until the attack by drinking coffee, sizing up the approximate brain size of the non-IB kids in homeroom.
5. The lack of social lives. The next time you see that an IB kid isn’t doing anything on a weekend, don’t feel sorry for them, feel afraid for yourself! The fact that they say they’re alone really means that they’re at the IB zombie headquarters, plotting the inevitable zombie apocalypse. This means that your precious brain is one step closer to being zombie food.
So, next time you see an IB kid, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! They are all secretly zombies, no matter how vehemently they deny that fact. Don’t fall for their innocent, nerdy kid routine. When you’re in homeroom in the fall and an IB kid asks for permission to measure the circumference of your head, just say no! You'll thank me later, when you're the sole survivor of the IB zombie apocalypse.
Are you an IB zombie?
Post by SarahKat321!