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Summer Jam 2012: Text Battle!

Summer Jam 2012: Text Battle!

By Chrissie Gruebel

We may or may not have "stumbled" across some "texts" from "Carly Rae Jepsen." Yeah, that lil' sweetheart mass texted the other people on the Billboard Top 10 Pop Charts. That's right. Nicki Minaj, Flo Rida, the boys of One Direction are all on there. Oh sorry. The BOYZ of One Direction. I think they're contractually obligated to the "Z".

Here's the gist: she's a little worried about who's going to emerge with 2012's top summer jam. She thought she had it all wrapped up. She thought everyone would be hopping into their convertibles (over the door, obvs), throwing their hands up and yelling the words to "Call Me Maybe" whilst reapplying their lipgloss and Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil. What Carly didn't realize was that her song came out too early.

So while she might be topping the charts rightthissecond, Nikki Minaj and the gang are waiting in the wings. So … she's nervous. She … wants to make friends.

You read it here first.

Carly Rae Jepsen: Hiii everyone! I just wanted to say I think ur all gr8! I would say "Call Me Maybe" but u kno, maybe 2 much? LOL

Flo Rida: 2 much.

One Direction, the Band: Hey gurl. : )  : )  : )  : )  : ) (<--1 frm each of us!)

Usher + The Biebs 4EVA: sup ya'll. We can't talk, we're out racing helicopters.

Carly Rae Jepsen: Kk. I just wanted to say hi anyway.

The Wanted: im glad you came …

Flo Rida: no.

The Wanted: im glad you came.

Flo Rida: stop this now.

Rihanna: wut up from Jay-Z's p-house! every1 is fighting over me! this baby is cute.

Carly Rae Jepsen: OMG RiRi. good to c u! totes jells ur with Beyonce & J and bebe. and srsly 1Dir, I wanna do a choreographed dance to your song.

One Direction, the Band: vids or it didn't' hapn!  ; )  ; )  ; )  ; )  ; ) <--1 frm each of us!

Usher + The Biebs 4EVA: Now we're jet-skiing! Together! Ya'll should come on down to Miami right now. its hottttttt

Carly Rae Jepsen: Amazinnggggggg

Nicki Minaj: *yawn*

Gotye: I'm here. Sorry, I was riding my fixed-gear bike to the farmer's market.

Kimbra: Hey, I'm here too ….

Nicki Minaj: Who's Kimbra?

Gotye: It's fine. Nicki, "Starships" is the most amazing song. I've learned to play it on the sitar.

Kimbra: It really is a revelation. I put it on in my pottery studio all the time.

Nicki Minaj: No but who r u?

Gotye: Ignore her, Nicki. Talk to me.

Adam Levine: yo yo yo yo yo yo yo i'm handsome

The Wanted: Hey Adam, do you have any openings in Maroon 5?

Adam Levine: yo yo yo yo yo yo yo i'm handsome

Carly Rae Jepsen: GUYZ! I mass texted all the Billboard Top 10 pop singers! So funy

Nicki Minaj: Gotye, that's messed up. Carly, girl you cray.

One Direction, the Band: (to Gotye) : (  : (  : (  : (  : (  <--1 frm each of us! Carly, u still get : )  : )  : )  : )  : ) 4 realz

Carly Rae Jepsen: No really, guys.

Usher + The Biebs 4EVA: We're riding an elephant bc we went on a safari! Together!

Nicki Minaj: how'd u fools get to africa?

Usher + The Biebs 4EVA: if we link arms, put our sunglasses on at the same time, count to 2 and then jump into the air as hi as we can, weve discovrd we can transport ourselves anywhere.

Adam Levine: yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo i'm handsome

Nicki Minaj: ok. get over yourself.

The Wanted: amzze. ne 1 wanna collab?

Kimbra: Me!

The Wanted: I'm glad you came …

Kimbra: You were just looking for that opening, weren't you?

The Wanted: I'm glad you came.

Kimbra: I take it back. No thanks on the collab.

fun. & Janelle Monae: Um, sry. we just got this txt now. we late? hey evry1.

The Wanted: I'm glad you came.

Flo Rida: shut it up.

The Wanted: Fine. we're audi 5000.

Carly Rae Jepsen: Hi. Um … guys?

fun & Janelle Monáe: Who's Kimbra, btw. Not to be jerks. Hi Kimbra. We're fun & Janelle Monáe. We sing "We Are Young."

Kimbra: *siiiiigh*

Adam Levine: we git it, ur fun and young. Stop bragging. Uh, I mean yo yo yo yo yo yo i'm handsome.

Carly Rae Jepsen: OK, i'll just say it. I'm wanna b the summer jam!

Flo Rida: "I'm wanna b the summer jam!" typo

Carly Rae Jepsen: my baaaaadddd. But i still do.

Sia: hey, I hrd you were a wild one.

Flo Rida: not you 2. i just can't with this.

Kimbra: Sia! OMG HII

Sia: hey boo. wanna get Jamba Juice?

Kimbra: Totes. Meet you in 2.

Carly Rae Jepsen: WAIT. is ne 1 even listening?

Usher + The Biebs 4EVA: Now we're on the moon!

Carly Rae Jepsen:
I give up.

(3 days later)

Wiz Khalifa: Anyone still here? … anyone?

Adam Levine: yo yo yo yo yo yo are you on a payphone?

Flo Rida: yo that note's too high. cut the crap.

This is pretty much exactly like every text conversation we've ever had, minus all the hugely famous celebs. Who do you think will have the top summer jam of 2012?

Topics: Music, Life
Tags: texting, jay-z, funny things, justin bieber, nicki minaj, celebs, summer music, call me maybe, carly rae jepsen

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About the Author
Chrissie Gruebel

Chrissie Gruebel is a bunch of things separated by commas, but more often than not, she’s a writer, comedian, and wearer of too many colors at once. Here she is on Twitter: @chrissiegruebel.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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