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Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Become Afraid of Clowns!

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Become Afraid of Clowns!

By reidfaylor

FROM: iluvhorses2012

What should I do if the guy I like will not be going to the same shcool as me next year but I really want to see him again? Do I make a move or just wait for him to make a move? Please help me!!

Here’s the crux of your problem: even if you make a move or he makes a move, you’re still going to different schools, which can make things difficult. If only there were some way … some way where he didn’t have to leave. I suppose this is the ideal time to tell you about the various types of kidnapping.

People tend to assume kidnapping is an uncomplicated, easily defined, singular matter, but in reality it is a much more complex crime full of different varieties and styles subdivided by motivations and methods. There are all kinds of kidnapping! There’s ransomnapping, insanitynapping, foodnapping, nointernetnapping, benedictcumberbatchnapping, but yours would most likely fall under lovenapping. The good news: this kind of kidnapping is socially acceptable, even encouraged. The even better news: it’s also the most efficient and charming way to start a relationship.

“But hold on a minute, Reid! I don’t think lovenapping can work! Sure, I guess I can soak a rag in chloroform, lure my prospective boyfriend to an unmarked van with promises of sandwiches, hide him in a secret room in my basement, and never tell anybody, but how can I make him fall in love with me?”

Actually, falling in love is the easiest part! You see, this is where the beauty of a thing called Stockholm Syndrome comes in. For some reason, after enough time together, the kidnapped will actually fall in love with their kidnapper! It’s one of the little tricks nature built into the human psyche to allow romantic stories like this to happen. Now you won’t even have to worry about who makes the first move, all you’ll have to do is wait for captivity to warp his mind. Have fun!

FROM: Aradan

I'm always lonesome over the summer. Quite lonesome. I want my friends to stay in town like I always do, but they mumble something about leaving to work and board their plane. What should I do?

So your friends all leave so they can work their jobs? My advice then is simple: get rid of their jobs. Write down the next two words: TheBestGary, SugarButtz4U. Don’t ask me about these words just yet—trust me! Next, click on this link. You should now be at the International Employee Database (I don’t know how long the link will be good for, so act fast!). Do you remember the two words I gave you before? (I literally just gave them to you.) Well, the first word is a username, and the second is a password, and they are the login info for a Data Maintenance Technician named Gary Jones. Don’t ask me how I got this information. Logging into his account, go into the database and find the file on each of your friends. The next part is easy: falsify a police report, forge a letter from a judge, and add a felony charge onto all of your friends’ records. The felony doesn’t even have to be anything that bad; you can get a felony for acts as innocent as tampering with the mail or intent to distribute narcotics. Finally, make an anonymous call to each of your friends’ respective employers, and get ready for the best summer of your life!

FROM: a_free_elf

I have a question: How can I combat my fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of mouth?

The reason this fear bothers you is because you don’t have enough to truly be afraid of. I’m sure you can admit, as far as fears go, this one is pretty tame. By wrangling up something for you to really be afraid of, minor fears like this will simply fade away!

“But Reid, I’ve heard it said that I have nothing to fear but fear itself!”

A_free_elf, you listen to me: don’t you dare quote Franklin Roosevelt to me ever again. That old fool couldn’t be more wrong, which is why most historians consider him the worst president ever, even worse than that dog JFK accidentally gave the presidency to. (During Rover Cleveland’s three hours as president he both bit the first lady and solved the Cuban Missile Crisis.) There are plenty of things to fear, so just find one worse than peanut butter. Have you ever seen a clown covered in blood? If you think that could scare you, for a small fee I could guarantee you encounter one. Every day. In your bedroom. As you sleep. A couple nights of that and you won’t even think about peanut butter, likely because you’ll be paralyzed by fear.

If that doesn’t suit you, we could also just make this fear of eating peanut butter more terrifying, that way you won’t feel ashamed of being afraid. For a small fee I could make that clown feed you peanut butter. Every day. In your bedroom. As you sleep. I don’t think anyone would question the fear then; it’d be pretty dang respectable.

That’s it for this week! If you have any questions that require advice, leave them in the comments and I’ll answer as many as I can next week! Thanks again for all the questions!

Topics: Life
Tags: boredom, summer, clowns, advice, fears, bad advice, reidfaylor gives you bad advice

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

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