20 Ways To Tell If The Lake Is Too Dirty To Swim In
The temperatures are rising, and you and your friends are getting randy for a dip in an unattended weir or bog out in the forest or down the back of someone's farm. There are dirt-bergs floating in the lake, to be sure, but you think it's probably safe to commit to a few laps anyway. Hold on! Before you launch your pristine summer bod into that fetid pool, be sure it isn't officially too dirty to swim in using the following checklist:
- The lake makes the Jersey Shore look like freshly mopped kitchen tiles.
- A warning sign reads: “Beware of submerged rugby players.”
- The lake smells like your little brother.
- The only time the lake has been cleaned was with a carpet sweeper.
- Swimmers emerge from the lake with a nasty case of potty mouth.
- The lake is playing host to a mud-wrestling match between Christina Aguilera and an unnamed backup dancer.
- Artex is lodged halfway into the bog you’re contemplating entering.
- There are green-stuffed olives bobbing along the surface of the lake.
- The other people in the “lake” are wearing helmets, knee pads and red sweatsuits.
- The sharks have plastic bags dragging behind their fins.
- Daryl Hannah is standing by the shore, crying.
- You haven’t heard a lake this loud since the “Bog of Eternal Stench.”
- You can feel your parents' disappointment the moment you dip your toe into the beckoning waters.
- Howard Stern is commentating by the lake’s edge.
- The fish are glowing.
- Looking at the lake makes you want to eat a Finish powerball tablet.
- You and your friend are mistaken for Oliver and the Artful Dodger after taking a dip, by an elderly gentleman who describes you as “positively Dickensian.”
- A shower will not suffice after a paddle in the lake’s waters; instead, you must walk through a carwash.
- White Castle denies you access to its bathrooms after your swim.
- R. Kelly yells at you, “That’s disgusting!”
What's the dirtiest bog you've gotten down with?