20 Ways To Tell If The Lake Is Too Dirty To Swim In

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The temperatures are rising, and you and your friends are getting randy for a dip in an unattended weir or bog out in the forest or down the back of someone's farm. There are dirt-bergs floating in the lake, to be sure, but you think it's probably safe to commit to a few laps anyway. Hold on! Before you launch your pristine summer bod into that fetid pool, be sure it isn't officially too dirty to swim in using the following checklist:

1. The lake makes the Jersey Shore look like freshly mopped kitchen tiles.
2. A warning sign reads: “Beware of submerged rugby players.”
3. The lake smells like your little brother.
4. The only time the lake has been cleaned was with a carpet sweeper.
5. Swimmers emerge from the lake with a nasty case of potty mouth.
6. The lake is playing host to a mud-wrestling match between Christina Aguilera and an unnamed backup dancer.
7. Artex is lodged halfway into the bog you’re contemplating entering.
8. There are green-stuffed olives bobbing along the surface of the lake.
9. The other people in the “lake” are wearing helmets, knee pads and red sweatsuits.
10. The sharks have plastic bags dragging behind their fins.
11. Daryl Hannah is standing by the shore, crying.
12. You haven’t heard a lake this loud since the “Bog of Eternal Stench.”
13. You can feel your parents' disappointment the moment you dip your toe into the beckoning waters.
14. Howard Stern is commentating by the lake’s edge.
15. The fish are glowing.
16. Looking at the lake makes you want to eat a Finish powerball tablet.
17. You and your friend are mistaken for Oliver and the Artful Dodger after taking a dip, by an elderly gentleman who describes you as “positively Dickensian.”
18. A shower will not suffice after a paddle in the lake’s waters; instead, you must walk through a carwash.
19. White Castle denies you access to its bathrooms after your swim.
20. R. Kelly yells at you, “That’s disgusting!”

What's the dirtiest bog you've gotten down with?