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Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend Won't Kiss Me! What Should I Do?

Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend Won't Kiss Me! What Should I Do?

Auntie, I've got a dilemma and need your help! So there's this boy (bet it's not the first time you've heard that line). We've been “a thing” for over a year and have been officially dating for a month now, and I've known him since I was five, and he's such a sweetheart, and he makes me smile when I'm grumpy and stressed, and we have great talks and so much fun, and my family adores him, and he’s the quarterback of the football team as well as being ridiculously good looking. You may be wondering, well, where's the problem?

The problem is, we still haven't kissed, and I really really really want to. I mean it's been over a year! We hold hands, cuddle, hug, exchange back massages... its not like he's still in the cooties stage, he just hasn't kissed me yet. And I'm lacking the confidence pants to do it myself. So should I just grow up and walk up and kiss him smack on his gorgeous lips? Or create an irresistible perfect kissing moment complete with a fading sunset, fireworks, and crickets serenading? Or just keep waiting?

Or hey, how about a fourth option? One in which you use your long-term knowledge of this dude's inner workings to solve the enigma of your kisslessness using actual facts?

Because really, much as I love the sunset-fireworks-crickets scenario (do you keep an insect orchestra in your pocket for just such an occasion? And if so, can I borrow it?), here's the thing: you’ve known this guy for a decade; you’ve been crushing on him for a year; you’ve been dating him a month. Basically, if there’s one person who’s in a position to know just what’s going on with his kissing recalcitrance, it’s you.

So, you tell me: is this delayed entry into Smoochland in keeping with his character? Is he shy about getting intimate? Did you have to make the first move when it came to hand-holding or snuggling? And most importantly, is he an enthusiastic participant in your physical relationship even if he’s not usually the one to initiate it?

If so, then it’s fair to say that he’s probably interested but waiting for your cue in the kissing department—and that you should either go ahead and plant one on him (yay!), or make it clear, in no uncertain terms, that you’d like him to plant one on you. (The following move, if executed correctly, has a 100% successful rate on getting yourself snogged: gaze up at him, cock your head slightly, smile, and say, “Are you ever going to kiss me?”)

But if not, then it’s time for you two to have one of your famously great talks—this time, about your peculiar lack of smooching. Because given how long you’ve known him and how close you are, there's no point in strategizing and theorizing and tiptoeing around the elephant in the room; you, and he, will be much better off if you just sit down and state the obvious: that after a year of mutually-acknowledged interest and a month of exclusive dating, the fact that your physical relationship hasn’t moved beyond platonic levels is... well, a little weird.

And then, see what he has to say. Maybe he’s shy; maybe he’s scared; maybe he’s completely inexperienced and crippled by fear of doing something wrong. Maybe he’s got fake teeth! (Or, it must be said: maybe he’s struggling with his sexual orientation, in which case please prepare yourself to receive that news as kindly as possible.) But whatever it is—be it secret sex issues or freaky dentition—the only way past it is to ask him what’s up.

We’ll keep our fingers crossed for freaky dentition.

Have you ever had to have the “Why aren’t we kissing?” conversation with an S.O.? Tell us how it went! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Kissin' Kissin'

Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, kissing, awkward situations, boyfriends, making out

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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