7 Totally Realistic Ways to Stay in Touch With Your Crush Over the Summer
Summer is two point five months of nothin' but sunshine, car rides, pop songs, lightning bugs, and your crush going away until school starts again. Wait! What??? Yep, it's true. Ever since your crush landed that gig as a counselor at a summer camp for booger-nosed kids, you've been devastated. It's OK. We are here to help. Thanks to some of these helpful suggestions you'll be able to stay in touch with your crush from the minute you wave goodbye to the minute he/she comes back with poison ivy all over his/her ankles.
1. Beatbox Telegram: What better way to say hello than with a beatbox telegram? It's simple: find a local beatboxer, drop some fresh beats, and scribble a message for your crush. Once you're done send that beatboxer out into the wilderness and he'll be sure to let your crush know you're still thinking of them with a series of ratatats, bippity bips, wa-wah's, and rikkity rik riks.
2. Signals from Space: This one's a little tricky. Before your crush leaves you're gonna have to plant a microchip into their ear. Sounds tough, but have faith! We suggest tryin' the ol' "Whats-that-behind-your-ear trick" your weird uncle used to make you giggle with when you were 5. Instead of pulling out a quarter, though, you plant that sucker into their lobe. By the time they realize there's no quarter they'll already be getting their first transmission from Satellite Crush 9, a spacecraft high above the Earth sending affectionate messages to crushes everywhere.
3. Fortune Cookie Factory: How much fun would a summer job be in a fortune cookie factory?!? You're right, kinda boring. BUT, while you're in there you could whip up some super-secret fortunes for your crush that only they would get. Something along the lines of, "You are being thought of at this very moment" or "There is someone for everyone and you know who it is" or "Yo, it’s me. Hi."
4. A Top 10 on Late Show with David Letterman: This is bound to work! Hop on the next plane to New York City. As soon as you're there, begin a career in comedy. We suggest starting a blog and going to amateur stand-up nights. Once you get recognized by a Mega Agent from some Mega Celebrity Agency simply get a job at Late Show with David Letterman. While there, pull Mr. Letterman aside and be like, "Davey boy, I think it's about time we get crackin' on a Top 10 for my crush who's somewhere out there scratching mosquito bites 'til they bleed. He'll probably say, "Great idea! Let's do it!" then you'll high five, and boom! You now have 10 ways to send a message to your crush.
5. Parachuting Pug Puppies That Have T-shirts with Messages Printed on Them: Have you seen how adorable pug puppies are??? Think about how much more adorable they'd be if you threw them out of a plane with a parachute and a t-shirt that says, "Hi Sweetie! :p" Frikkin' cuuuuute! The best part is there is no limit to how many puppies you wanna rain down on the people. Find as many as you can so you can make as many t-shirts as possible. And your t-shirts can be as clever as you want them to be like, "Pug's Up, Homey?," "I Wish We Could Puggle", "Pugs, Not Drugs," and the very popular "Pug Life, Sonnnn."
6. Have a Nuclear "Accident" with a Hawk, Grow Wings Out of Your Back, Learn to Fly, Visit Your Crush: Things could get awkward with this one so be prepared. For starters, you'll have to jump into some nuclear toxic waste. Don't forget your goggles! You'll also have to hunt a hawk and bring it in with you. Watch those talons! As soon as you're done with those you might have to wait anywhere between a day to a week for your wings to grow. You won't even notice them at first. You'll probably be buying ice cream or tater tots at the supermarket and some little kid will point at the feathers coming out of your shirt and start laughing. You'll run all the way home, but don’t forget to pay for those tater tots! Get up to your roof and teach yourself to fly. It's easy! Flap flap flap your way to your crush and say, "hey". Your crush will be so excited to see you that they'll jump into your arms and you two will fly away into the sky. (If you feel like solving crimes with your new powers feel free, but it's not mandatory.)
7. Letters: Okay, okay. If none of those other things work (and really, we can’t imagine why they wouldn't) then you should write a letter to your crush. Facebook and texting is cool, but taking the time to write an honest, old-fashioned letter says way more than any of that online nonsense. You're crush will appreciate the effort and that you are thinking of them.
How are you going to get your crush's attention this summer?