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Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Stalk Your Celebrity Crush!

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Stalk Your Celebrity Crush!

By reidfaylor

FROM: NightOwlGirl14

I have a question that's been plaguing my mind recently—is it possible to emerge from finals unscathed, and if so, how?

I ask you this: how can you defeat finals, if you cannot first defeat yourself? Finals, some say, are a kind of test, and to be victorious in a test you must be pure in all areas, otherwise the finals will sense your weakness and tear you apart. Eliminate all vice from your life: no more cusses (even dang), no more kissin’ people (even Dan), and no more Vietnamese rivers (even Da). Some moralists think bathing is a kind of vice, and not only do I agree, but also I’m adding hand washing to the list. How clean is your room? A good way to clean everything is to purify all of your belongings by flame, i.e., set all your crap on fire. When you show up to school nude, covered in war paint, un-bathed, and desperate for kisses, there’s no way your finals will stand a chance, because most likely a school official will be alerted and you’ll be placed under psychiatric evaluation. But hey, you can’t even take finals in a straight jacket! That’s the best approach: plead insanity.

FROM: WhiteEyedCat

The guy that I like has an identical twin and I cannot tell them apart. They like to trick people and pretend to be each other to the point where I'm not even sure which one is the one that I like. What should I do?

You’ve got a couple options, but your general goal is this: eliminate their twin-ness.

  1. Differentiate! These guys look similar? Let’s see if we can change that. Just saying, when people look alike to me, it’s much easier to remember who’s who when one of them just doesn’t have as many arms.
  2. Prison! They like to trick people? Play a trick on them—frame one for armed robbery. Which one do you like? Here’s an easy way to tell: not the one in prison.

As a final option, have you considered not choosing? Polygamy is legal is some states, but all states at least acknowledge that it’s “super cool.” If you can’t tell them apart, it’s essentially like you’re dating one person, it’s just that every once in a while you’ll get to hang out with that one person twice simultaneously.

FROM: XTheInvincible

Reid, remember a couple weeks ago when I asked you how to stop fangirling my celebrity crush? And you didn't answer? I need your help now more than ever. My obsession has only gotten worse with time. All my profile pics are now of him, I spend ridiculous amounts of time cyber-stalking him, and I have persuaded my mother to take me to New York City because he's having a concert there. How do I stop this madness, Reid? Is it even possible?

Why should you stop it? This is one of those cultural taboos I just don’t understand. Society is so concerned with telling us what’s wrong and what’s right. You can’t stalk people, you can’t be nude in public, you can’t be naked in the library, stop taking off your clothes on the bus. I for one am tired of our constricting society, especially their outdated rules on where and when you can be fully and sensually nude. If you have feelings for this man and mean to track and observe his life from a healthy distance, I say go for it. If it means following him after a concert and seeing where he lives, then fine. If it means stealing his credit card and buying yourself an engagement ring with it, then heck, I’m not stopping you. If it means driving to his next concert in a wedding gown with fierce determination in your eye, I’m not judging. Moderation is for suckers; if you feel it, go with it! If it feels right, then that means it’s probably super right. Now if you’ll excuse me, I do believe these pants are far too hot for this coffee shop.

FROM: the_lol_chick

My dog will have puppies in one week to two weeks and I am almost a complete newbee at dog breeding. What should I do to help her out? By the way, when is your and Candace's wedding date?

Your dog’s life is about to undergo a dramatic change—she’s no longer going to be a dog, but she’ll be a dog mom. A lot of dogs have mixed feelings about this; it’s hard to give up the freedom and leisure of puppy-less living. This is why it’s common to throw your dog a bachelorette party, or more aptly, a childless dog party. Treat her to a night on the town: cocktails, dancing, fetch, funny hats, a police officer coming to your house—“We’re sorry officer, what’s wrong?” “Sorry girls, but this party is under arrest, for not being sexy enough!” and then he starts taking off his clothes and stuff. Give her the full single dog experience! By the end of it, she’ll get her fill of that lifestyle, and be ready for the next step in her life. Another way to help her: name all the puppies after me. Even the girls. Also: no date yet, still picking out a venue, can't decide whether it should be at a fancy garden or an active volcano.

That’s it for this week! Thanks for all the questions, and if you have any quandaries you need help with, leave your question in the comments and I’ll answer what I can next week.

Topics: Life
Tags: crushes, sparklers, dogs, advice, bad advice, reidfaylor gives you bad advice

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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