This is a big day in your life, your tie is knotted (thanks to a YouTube video you watched five times), your pants are ironed and your shirt is pressed (thanks to mom), and your shoes are shined (thanks to your brother who still doesn’t know you borrowed his shoes). You’re nervous, sweaty palms and a dry mouth, negotiating with your hands to stop shaking. Sitting there, anxiously awaiting your name to be called, ready to walk through that door and go on YOUR FIRST JOB INTERVIEW.
Whether it’s for a position at your local grocery store or something more ambitious, these helpful tips will help land the job you’ve always wanted, or the one you had to get because you need money to pay for prom.
Most jobs are won by a good first impression. So, the first thing we need to talk about is what happens before you even walk through the door. Here are seven things you might want to consider:
1. Wear silk boxers, confidence starts from the inside out.
2. Carry a briefcase and handcuff it to your wrist, really keeps the interviewer guessing, he’s thinking to himself, “Maybe he doesn’t necessarily need this job because there’s a slight chance he might already be working for the President.”
3. If you’re offered a seat, DO NOT take it, this shows weakness, standing the whole time gives the interviewer a sense of your endurance.
4. On the other hand, if you’re offered coffee, drink the whole thing in one gulp, then, afterward, look at your stopwatch and yell “TIME!”
5. Always wear a stop watch. Why? Because in the world of big business the two most important things you can do are STOP and WATCH.
6. If you feel like it’s not going well, start crying. This will buy you some time to do more research on the company’s rich history.
7. Always talk about how you just got in from Los Angeles. This makes the interviewer think that you’re a very important person.
At this point you’ll probably already have the job, but there is a slight chance the interviewer will want to ask you a few more questions. Here are a few different ways to answer some classic interview questions:
Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
1: Right next to you and your beautiful wife.
2: Now, are we talking dog years or human years? Because if we’re talking dog years: DEAD.
3: Five years is a long time, but you know what’s not a long time?! These prices!
4: According to the Mayan Calendar, technically, no one will be here in five years, just kidding, I’m not crazy, in five years I see myself being appointed Vice President of Outer Space.
5: Two words: Sea World.
Q: Why do you want work for this company?
1: Better question, why does this company want to work for me? (Then post up for a high five.)
2: I believe in tradition, and this company has prided itself on that ideal throughout its two year history. Also, I have a lot of high school gambling debt.
3: I want the same thing in a company that I look for a in a lady, someone whose rich in character, believes in what they’re doing, and doesn’t get mad if I stay up all night playing video games.
Q: Tell us a little about yourself.
Now, for this, you want to walk over to the window, (if there isn’t a window just walk over to the right corner of the office) then, look into the distance and recite the entire screenplay of the movie Ray. If the interviewer asks, “Isn’t that just the story of Ray Charles?,” take his hand, look him dead in the eye and demand a raise. If he says no, that’s a good thing, this isn’t the kind of place you want to work.
Q: What is your greatest strength?
1: I can eat a whole pizza in under thirty minutes.
2: People seem to think I’m nice.
3: My father has a lot of money.
4: My greatest strength is also my greatest weakness: chocolate.
Q: What is your greatest weakness?
1: Are you even listening? Chocolate.
2: Let’s be honest, sometimes I’ll spend a lot of time on the internet Googling my own name when I could be working, and nine times out of ten I show up late.
3: If being able to dunk a basketball is a weakness, then I've got weaknesses ALL DAY LONG.
4: If anything, I’m too involved in my work. The job isn’t done until the job is done. Then it's still not done, so if you’re thinking about paying me for overtime, think again, I’ll pay you to work here, that’s what I’m talking about.
5: Your pretty face, pretty face.