Cake, singing, handmade tin-foil birthday crown? So tired, so last year. But with these new traditions, people are gonna know it's your birthday. And not just because you keep repeating it threateningly, while pointing at blueprints for a lavish pie fountain. Here's how to properly take advantage of the one day a year when people must acquiesce to your mad demands:
Scavenger hunt EVERYTHING!! Force the people who love you to make your entire day one long series of delightful clues, rendered in rhyme, hieroglyph, or visual pun. You're going to be very late to English class, but very happy that you had to solve the riddle of the missing Dickensian orphan to get there.
Give yourself an official birthday title, and answer to nothing else. On your birthday, people have to call you whatever you want, including Baron von CakeSword.
Speaking of cake swords, what other objects can you put to new, birthday-approved uses? This is your one day of the year to do whatever the heck you want, right? So why not use a canoe as a bed, a Tide box as a television-viewing helmet, and your crush's face as a place to blot your lip gloss? Nothing says birthday like refusing to play by the 364-days-a-year rules.
Lucky birthday underwear. 'Cause it just feels right.
Airing of grievances. Nobody can be mean to you on your birthday, so now's the time to tell them what you really think.
Hide small presents in odd places, so you'll find them throughout the year. Five dollars in the pocket of a hoodie you rarely wear, sleeve of Nutter Butters at the bottom of an old book bag? Joy!
Feats of birthday badassery! Let's say you're turning 16. First, you have to box a kangaroo with the number "15" written on its chest, to represent your vanquishing of the last year's trials. Then, you have to eat 15 cupcakes, to represent the knowledge that you've gained. Then, you have to keep yourself from barfing up all those cupcakes, because that would ruin the choreographed dance routine you're performing at your birthday parade.
Harvesting of secrets. Everyone must tell you a secret, so that you can be powerful with knowledge for the year to come.
Hourly slow claps for your mom. She did most of the work, after all.
Is it safe to assume you'll be doing every single one of these on your next birthday?