For some reason, guys’ summer fashion means the emergence of alarming pantaloons, namely red pants. I’m not talking the salmon and rust-colored shorts favored by future Ivy Leaguers and unapologetic and unironic preps, either. I’m talking those vivid, usually skinny, jeans worn by every “fashionable” or unrepentantly hipster male between the ages thirteen and twenty-four.
Even if they’re not rocking them every other day, they most certainly have a pair in their closet. If you happen to own a pair of these atrocities, burn them. Do not even consider donating them. No one should suffer those abominations, least of all people who need to wear donated clothes; they have enough problems as it is.
Red pants are a generally bad idea. They give the wearer the appearance of attending clown college—and not even a prestigious clown college, a community clown college. The clown look is perpetuated by the fact that red pants usually come in the one standard shade of red that’s unflattering on approximately 98.7% of the male population. Not to mention the fact that most red pants come in the skinny cut that works on the same 1.3% that looks good in the red shade they come in. That’s twice the reason to say no.
Beyond aesthetic ridiculousness, red pants also manage to make all boys who wear them look like they have a huge donk. Not that having a a flauntable butt is anything to be ashamed of, but looking curvier than every female present is going to give everyone self-esteem issues. Even Jeremy Renner is going to have trouble looking excellent in red pants and I love Jeremy Renner’s butt more than Jeremy Renner. I’m just saying it’s difficult to looking ironically bootylicious. In fact, let’s just agree that ironically bootylicious should never be a thing, ever.
These reasons pale in comparison to the number one reason why boys should never wear red pants: because I can’t wear them, and I really want to. I look so incredibly stupid in red pants, and any guy pulling them off better than I can leaves me seething with near blackout rage. Yes, it’s stupid. It’s also melodramatic. So, sue me. Boys can’t wear red pants because I can’t wear red pants.
Are boys allowed to wear red pants? Your Sparkitors think they're cute, but our boyfriends won't listen.
Related post: Spring Fashion Trends