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How to Dump a Friend

How to Dump a Friend

It happens to everyone: you meet someone, you like him/her, you enjoy this person's company, you start hanging out, you go to each other houses, you become friends. Everything’s great. And then, for one reason or another, there comes a point when you realize you no longer like this person. In fact, you really don’t like this person.

How do you get this person out of your life?

Well, there are three basic ways to dump a friend. The Cowardly Way, The Gentleman (or Gentlewoman) Way, and The Cruel-but-Satisfying Way.

1. The Cowardly Way. If you choose this route, you're not necessarily a bad person. It does, however, mean you're a coward. Not that we can blame you, breaking up with a friend is an awkward thing to do. It’s only natural to try to avoid this awkwardness at all costs. This is achieved, of course, by lying. Such as telling your unwanted friend:

“My mom/significant other thinks you’re a bad influence.”

“I want to be your friend, it’s just that the rest of the group hates you. I’m sorry. I like you, it’s everyone else that hates you.”

“You’re too attractive for me to hang out with. It’s making me look bad by comparison.”

“It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to be anyone’s friend right now.”

Or you can simply give them no explanation at all, and just avoid them until they take the hint; the ultimate act of cowardice.

The biggest problem with the Cowardly Way is that once you choose that path, you’re stuck on that path. Whatever lie you cough up, that’s the lie you’re gonna have to stick with, forever. And if you don’t, you will be forever branded a wuss, and a liar. You don’t want that. What you want is to dump your friend in the least messy way possible.

With that in mind...

2. The Gentleman/Gentlewoman Way:

This approach takes more guts, but in the long run it’s worth it. Approach your soon-to-be-ex friend, put a hand on their shoulder and say: “Look here, good chap. We have been friends for a great many moon, but the truth is that our lives are drifting apart. It’s no one’s fault, mind you, it’s just a reality of life. And whether we face that reality today, or tomorrow, it will always exist. So why don’t we promise ourselves that we will hold dear the memories we have created together as friends, while appreciating the fact that we should never talk again.”

See how respectable you come across? You’re not humiliating your friend, or making him/her feel like a bad person. You’re simply stating the facts as they are: the magic is gone. The friendship must end, for both of your sakes.

But what if this doesn’t go over well with your friend? What if this really eats her up inside? What if she turns on you with great malice? What if she shouts: “What do you mean you don’t want to be my friend anymore!? What’s wrong with me?!”

In this case, it is time to move on to method number 3, The Cruel-but-Satisfying Way.

This method begins not with a supportive hand on the shoulder, but rather, a cold stare into their eyes. You just stare hard into those baby blues and in a slow but firm voice, you say:

“Look here ______, I don’t want to be your friend anymore because you’re a complete embarrassment to be around. You make crude jokes in front of the opposite sex, you gossip about everyone you know, and you have zero fashion sense. ZERO! Now I never want to see you again. I never even want to hear your name in my presence. Do you understand me you little worm of a person! You have tarnished my reputation enough! It stops today! Now, if you don’t mind, I have to go meet up with some friends. Good day!”

Of course, you’ll need to alter this speech to fit your actual friend’s disagreeable qualities, but you get the point. You tell your friend off, and you do it in an epic fashion. Don’t worry about not knowing what to say; trust us, when the time comes, all that pent up anger and frustration will pour out of you like steam out of a hot kettle, and you’ll give him such a tongue lashing that he won’t know what hit him. But he will know, deep down, that you are right, because if you weren’t right, you wouldn’t be so eager to drop him as a friend.

Good day!

How do you break up with friends?

Topics: Life
Tags: friendships, awkward situations, annoying people, dumping a friend

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About the Author
Randy Walker

Randy Walker is a writer. His mother finds his writing hilarious, his father wonders where he went wrong. Randy recently moved to New Orleans where he now performs standup comedy and improv. He is currently working on several short stories that may or may not include a pirate named Scruffy.

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