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Auntie SparkNotes: My Friend Called Me A Slut... Sort Of

Auntie SparkNotes: My Friend Called Me A Slut... Sort Of

By kat_rosenfield

Auntie,
I'm kind of starting to get peeved at my best friend and her holier-than-thou attitude. It all started this year and it seriously is getting in the way of our friendship. She makes remarks like "I don't wear make-up because I'm already so pretty. That's also why I don't pluck my eyebrows." (She could seriously use a good plucking though, unibrows are not sexy).

She then makes fun of people who do those kind of things, and by omission that includes me. She says that somehow that person feels "inferior" and that they don't "accept themselves" and then proceeds to try to make me realize that I don't "need make-up to feel pretty". I'm fairly comfortable with myself and my looks, I'm just the type of person who enjoys make-up because it is fun to do.

By omission she has said a lot of things about me, like when I mentioned buying a couple pairs of shorts at a store she replied, "Oh, I don't buy stuff from there, it's all really short stuff." (The store being delia's, which I think is fairly conservative considering other stores.) She more or less is calling me a slut... which I'm not. I'm not really sure how to confront her about it.

Er... okay, Sparkler, two things.

1. I think you mean “by extension,” not "by omission." And,
2. If we all got our backs up over every perceived slight made against us “by extension,” then we’d all be too busy being offended to ever be friends with anyone.

Because in fact, a friend who considers the lineup at delia’s to be too short, personally, for her, is saying exactly nothing about you, your style, or (seriously?) your “sluttiness.” And darling, I’ve gotta tell you: if you’re going to insist on taking every third-party expression of personal taste as some kind of oblique slam against you and your choices, then you’re going to spend most of your life in a constant state of umbrage and with your figurative panties in a large, uncomfortable wad.

So, rather than confronting your friend over all the terrible things she hasn't said, please take a deep breath and embark on a wonderful new chapter of your life... in which you stop making other people’s business all about you.

Really, just stop. It’s silly, it’s a waste of time, and—and man, are you going to hate this—it’s reflective of exactly the kind of raging insecurity that you insist you’re not suffering from. I mean, even if your friend’s obtuse and self-righteous remarks about makeup are... well, obtuse and self-righteous, they really have nothing to do with you; she’s just working through her feelings about why she doesn’t wear it, the same way you’ve worked through your feelings about why you do. The fact that she’s doing it in a particularly clunky way doesn’t mean you have to take it personally.

Which brings me to this: it’s only the world’s most insecure people who go through life with their defenses this high (and who are so threatened by a friend’s pride in her looks that they feel compelled to say nasty things about her eyebrows, ahem.) So if you’ve really got the confidence to be comfortable with yourself, then prove it—by refusing to interpret your friend’s happiness with her choices as a dig against yours. And instead of getting offended at the possibly-implied (but almost certainly unintentional) slight embedded in her cosmetic comments, just shrug, smile, and say, “Hey, you do your thing, I'll do mine.”

And then be glad that you have at least one friend who will never borrow and lose your favorite lip gloss.

Do you feel insulted by stuff like this, or do you shrug it off? Sound off in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Friend + Ex = EXFRIEND

Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, frenemies, passive aggressive

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About the Author
kat_rosenfield

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.