My dear Reiders, it has finally arrived: the glorious return of Turtle Facts! For a long while, I shared the terrible burden of my turtle-centric knowledge with you, gave you a glimpse into the turtle-unknown, and shared life’s many subtle yet beautiful turtle-secrets. But then I began to doubt myself—do people want to know this much about turtles? For a time, I retired these articles, thinking this new modern world didn’t have a place for an old fool and his absolutely 200% true facts about turtles that he simply doesn’t have time to cite. But I was wrong. Some of you Reiders reached (reiched? How far can I take my name pun?) out, demanding more. Thus, I do this for you. I present to you: turtle facts!
1. Turtles are smart enough to use doorknobs, but not polite enough to knock. Thus, turtle children walk in on their parents almost constantly (you know what I’m talking about … wink wink).
2. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a turtle a day makes sure no one sees that doctor ever again.
3. Turtles believe the moon landing was fake, mostly because they faked it.
4. Several US presidents were secretly turtles. It was much easier in the days before photography.
5. A turtle’s blood is carbonated, which is why the current Coca Cola mascot is indeed a turtle.
6. Turtles are genetically more related to trees than they are to humans—most geneticists blame this on their similar “greenness.”
7. Possession of a turtle without a permit is considered a felony in New Zealand, also: everywhere.
8. Turtles cannot read clocks. Their punctuality is based entirely on good guesses.
9. Turtles are naturally herbivores; when they do consume meat (which is often) it is purely driven by spite.
10. Turtle blood is one of the 21 flavors in Dr. Pepper—it’s what gives it that distinct turtle blood taste.
11. All turtles go to heaven—coincidentally, turtle heaven is also dog hell. A film titled All Turtles Go to Dog Hell was proposed, but was ultimately shut down due to a lack of funding.
12. If a turtle appears in any movie below an R rating you’ll notice they always wear a hat or a shirt, as most audiences find turtles to be generally too nude.
13. In the 1800s, turtle blood was marketed as an all-purpose tonic, used to treat everything from migraines to clubfoot. Its sale was eventually discontinued after it was linked to a birth defect known as “turtlism,” in which the baby was born too nude.
14. For the life of them, turtles cannot understand emoticons, making texting and AOL Instant Messenger a living nightmare.
15. Despite high marks on entrance exams, turtles are not admitted to both Harvard and Yale, due to a trait in school officials known as “hatred.”
16. Turtles came up with the idea of putting chips on a sandwich. For this gift, man can never hope to repay.
17. Every turtle weighs exactly 12 pounds.
18. The movie Finding Nemo was originally titled That Time the Fish Met a Turtle.
19. Turtles always wear the perfect amount of clothes—none. Get it? They’re nude. If there was any lesson to take away from this it is that.
20. Turtles do not forget birthdays; if you didn’t receive a card it’s probably because of something you did.
21. Turtles whisper in English but shout in Spanish.
22. Originally, Stan Lee wanted to call Spiderman “Turtleman.” He still shot webs from his hands and climbed walls, his logo was even a spider—Lee just thought Turtleman was a better name.
23. The dictionary does not contain a definition of the word “turtle”—publishers long ago realized that words alone could not capture the essence of this magnificent animal.
24. The idea for Legos was originally inspired by watching turtles mate. Matthew Lego, the inventor, was what some people call a “nasty pervert.”
25. If you blow into a turtle’s shell it produces a sound not unlike a harmonica, though the end of a harmonica you blow into is not normally called “the butt.”