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This Is What Happens When You Put Cupcake Batter in a Sausage

This Is What Happens When You Put Cupcake Batter in a Sausage

By Brandon Specktor

If you're anything like us—and we know you are (our spies are everywhere)—the last time you sunk your chompers into the pillowy crust of a red velvet cupcake the first thing that barrel-rolled into your braingoo was, "This is ok, but I just know my snacky cake would taste all the better if an animal had somehow been injured in its making."

Fret no longer, meatminds! The Cupcakewurst is here.

What is a Cupcakewurst? Where did it come from? Why does it exist? These questions have haunted the world's top blog scholars (schloglars) for time immemorial since somebody posted about it last Thursday. This much is known for sure:

  • The Cupcakewurst is made by secreting a wobbly log of cupcake batter into a leathery sausage casing, then baking until plump
  • The Cupcakewurst's intrepid chef—also responsible for such unlikely delicacies as buffalo chicken cupcakes—tags his creation "a cross between a giant slippery noodle and a condom."

Mmm! Is your mouth watering yet? …No? Then you'd better feast your eye tongues on the following list of Food Hybrid recipes that we at SparkLife have been literally gushing about all week.

Oh, and don't worry about the stains on our blogger bibs (blibs). That's just happy barf.

Bacon Twizzlers
Dip some flaccid coils of pasture-raised, certified-humane bacon strips in a high fructose glaze. Weave strands together in a sticky, hick'ry smoked rope of greasy newborn-red goodness. Completed meat ropes make for fine party favors at birthdays, baby showers and weddings for college students/gross people.

Strawberry Short Rib Cake
Fry a loaf of angelfood shortcake in grass-fed cow fat, then garnish with grilled beef spears, whipped cream and cherries. Try to get creative with your beef placement. See if you can mimic the turrets of Hogwarts castle, or an anime haircut.

Pork-Roast Challah
After reciting the usual blessings, insert grilled medallions of savory roast pig tightly into the traditional sabbath bread. Serve with a bowl of brown sugar. This is the perfect appetizer for the Jewish family that's kosher…but not that kosher. ;]

Gummi Gumbo
Take a stock of your favorite gummi meat* (bear, fish, worm, etc.) and mix vigorously in a stew of okra, roux, chopped vegetables and peanut M&M's. (Note: do NOT use normal M&M's. God help you if you use normal M&M's.) Boil until your kitchen smells like the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese.

Meatball Sundae
Place two to four fully-cooked, all-beef* meatballs in a boat of whipped cream, banana slices and almond chips. Coat with strawberry marmalade and/or marinara sauce depending on the season. [*Note: Turkey meatballs may be substituted, if you wanna be a wimp about it.]

Macaroni and Cheese and Macaroons and Maple Syrup and a Toblerone
Self-explanatory. Serve with shame.

Dessertducken
The king of hybrid treats! Stuff a succulent scoop of Rocky Road ice cream inside a rotisserie chicken, stuffed inside a mold of red velvet cake batter stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside more cake batter stuffed inside a turkey stuffed inside another, slightly larger turkey but this one made out of chocolate. Deep fry and serve with Diet Coke.

Topics: Life
Tags: food, gross things, cupcakes, meat

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About the Author
Brandon Specktor

For 22 years, Brandon was a fat kid living in Tucson, AZ, which gave him lots and lots of time to write. He now works at a magazine in New York City, but still loves writing almost as much as he loves muffins.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.