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Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Become Nicolas Cage

Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Become Nicolas Cage

By reidfaylor

FROM: Capt.Awesome

Reidfaylor, there is a guy that I like. However, I'm worried that he's sexist. What should I do?

As I’ve learned from most popular sitcoms, any problem with gender inequality or sexism can most efficiently be solved by swapping lives for a single day. However, I’ve also seen a movie where Nicolas Cage and John Travolta trade faces, a movie called Face/Off, which is way better than any sitcom ever. Thus, the answer is to make this guy live a day as Nicolas Cage. Let him romp the European castles that he owns, play with his son, Kal-El, have dinner with his wife, Alice, and wake up early in the morning to plan the triumphant third film of the Ghost Rider trilogy. It’s a tough life, a life he couldn't imagine—it will make him face his prejudices. By the end of the afternoon he’ll have some intense realizations, and he’ll realize how shallow and ignorant he was towards Nicholas Cage. What was the question again?

FROM: bluegirl285746

Any ideas about how to crush a crush that has near a zero chance of happening?

The only way you’ll get over this crush is to even more thoroughly decrease your odds of dating this person; make it so impossible and unrealistic that you have no choice but to drop it. Zero chance? To me, that sounds like you still have some hope—let’s get this into the negative numbers. Your first goal is to become as unappealing as possible. Some girls can grow little bits of sideburns, take it a step further and grow some thick muttonchops, or maybe a chinstrap beard. A major hormone imbalance can help you accomplish this, so I’d recommend eating most pills you find on the floor—some could even be mints, but you’ll never know until you swallow them! Does this person think you like them? That has to go; try starting a nasty rumor about him, something along the lines of: “Yeah, I heard [name] tried to a corner a janitor in the bathroom and kiss him, and when he got rejected he cried the whole afternoon.” Final step: terribly disfiguring sewage accident. And of course, if none of this works, there’s not a whole lot yelling at yourself in a mirror won’t fix.

FROM: SRVFan17

Hey Reid, I have this problem. I'm going to private school next year, but there's this girl, and I think I love her, and she'll still be at my current school, so I won't get a chance if I don't make a move now. And I'm an NBK at 16, so you can guess I'm pretty shy around girls. What should I do???

Obviously, your problem arises from the fact that your crush can only be in one place at one time—she can’t be at her school and at your future school. But what if she could? The concept is known as “bilocation,” and consists of a person existing simultaneously in two separate locations at the same time. Imagine reality is a sheet of paper, and your position on it is a dot. But suppose you could fold the paper, so that your dot touches not just one, but two spots on the paper—this is essentially what bilocation is. This would solve your problem perfectly; now your crush could be both at her school and at your school—you’ll have the extra time you need to tell her what you feel! Of course, the only way to do this is to rip the soul in half, which, as we learned Voldemort, can only be accomplished by taking the life of an innocent person. Therefore, the key to keeping this girl in your life is cold-blooded murder. If you’re looking for a victim I do have this coworker named Michael that’s pretty terrible. Last week he saw me walking, said, “Is that how you walk?,” crudely imitated it, then laughed at me. I’m not saying he has to die, but it is certainly an option. Also, swallowing pills you find on the ground could probably help here, too.

FROM: VirginiaBFW17

Okay, so...I have a problem. It's just that I CAN'T STOP PROCRASTINATING. It's the end of senior year, and I've lost absolutely all desire to do my homework. Is there a magical cure for my shameful laziness, and if so, where can I find it?

I think the reason you keep falling prey to such procrastination is that you haven’t taken it all the way. You’re lazy, but you haven’t been so lazy that you’ve realized the profound repercussions of it. If you want to abolish sloth, you must plunge more fully into it –you need to hit rock bottom. Do you drive? Get some one else to do that. Do you walk? They make chairs with wheels on them, start using one of those, and if you ask most people nicely they’ll feel too guilty to refuse pushing you around. Do you talk? Here’s a pro tip: most speech can be easily substituted for primitive grunts and pointing. You need to be the laziest you possibly can! You need to face starvation because this Lean Cuisine is just too hard to open. You need to get bedsores because turning onto your side is just too much. It’s within this kind of laziness downward spiral that you can truly have the epiphany that will turn your life around, and only here will you find the value of hard work. Also, just for the sake of roundness, I’ll go ahead and suggest swallowing pills you find on the ground—it’s the quick fix for any problem!

If you want any advice, leave your question in the comments and I’ll answer what I can next week! Thanks for all the questions!

Topics: Life
Tags: crushes, advice, bad advice, reidfaylor gives you bad advice

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About the Author
reidfaylor

Reid Faylor is a stand-up comedian, cartoonist, writer, and whimsically bearded gentleman living in New York City. He owns a cat named Mr. President. You can follow his tumblr at reidfaylor.tumblr.com.

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