Hello, my dear Reiders! I have some bad news: you know how I’ve been writing this article for a number of months now without the knowledge of my very real girlfriend Candace? Well, that is over. She found it. Needless to say, last night we had a very long conversation on what is and what is not appropriate to share with strangers on the Internet. As it turns out, most of what I say on here is “wrong” and “why are you doing this?” Sadly, this must be my last Reid Faylor Has a Girlfriend article. But she’s not too mad or anything! She was a little flattered even, and after that conversation we kissed each other on the mouth so hard that I got a rug burn from friction.
Ok. That was probably one of those “absolutely do not do this” kind of things she told me about. I really got to work on this “privacy” thing. Onto the questions!
Would Candace like a combination taco-chocolate-killer chihuahua-vicious hamster-lightsaber-milkshake-dinosaur making machine?
In addition, what would you do if you found out that Candace is part of a group that ritually murders innocent shelter puppies every month?
I can’t say for certain, but I imagine she would absolutely love having a combination taco-chocolate-killer chihuahua-vicious hamster-lightsaber-milkshake-dinosaur making machine. My question: does it make these things separately, or does it just produce a dinosaur that makes bizarrely flavored milkshakes? You know, a Milkshake Dinosaur. I’m cool either way—basic milkshake skills were one of my big complaints on prior dinosaurs.
As for your second question: love knows no boundaries. If that’s what she cares about, who am I to question it? Thankfully though, for every dog she ritually murders we have a machine that makes more of them, or at least vicious Chihuahua versions of them. Let’s just hope the Milkshake Dinosaur doesn’t try to use them as an ingredient. Man. Milkshake Dinosaur. I can’t tell if that’s the worst or the greatest band name ever.
I want to get you two an engagement gift... is there anything you both need?
Right now I’m pretty low on milk. Also: gold.
If the roles were reversed, what do you think Candace's weirdest idea for a proposal be and what strategy do you think she would actually settle for realistically?
I can’t speak for her entirely, but I would hope her real idea would also be the weirdest and most convoluted. It would involve a good deal of deception and lies, but love-lies, the kind you use to make love better. First, she would allow me to go through with my entire proposal, the whole fight-a-bear-then-die approach that most experts agree is the best ever. And then, after I do my whole thing, she would say, “no.” She would reject the proposal. This, of course, would shatter my little boy-heart, and I would need some time alone where I would probably shout some bad words pretty loudly. I would tell her I need a break to figure things out, and this is when I would get very depressed. But throughout my bout of depression, I’d start seeing these hidden messages—subtle at first, perhaps a misprinted sign here, a newspaper headline that references a joke we shared, a turtle sharing a quickly spoken cryptic phrase. Slowly I would piece them together, and it would turn out that the Candace who denied me was an imposter, a robot designed to hurt young men, and that the real Candace has been kidnapped, probably because of everyone being really jealous of what we share. In a dramatic scene, I would then track down the kidnappers, fight them to a bloody end, and retrieve the love of my life. She would be weak, malnourished, tied to a chair, so I would free her and try to get us out of there as fast as I could, what with the bomb about to explode and all. As the timer counts down, suddenly she would trip and fall, which is terrible timing because we literally have seconds left. But when I turn around to pick her up, I find she hasn’t fallen per se, rather, she’s just fallen to one knee, and in her hands is the single greatest man-appropriate engagement ring. “Well, Reid, do you want to do this marriage thing?” I would blush and giggle real hard, and cry out a hearty “YES!” Then all the kidnappers would come out of hiding and head trauma and unconsciousness with a cheer, and that’s when I would realize it was all a ruse—she planned the whole thing so that she could propose to me. Yeah, I guess that one would be pretty good.
Well, I guess that’s it then. Thanks for all the questions! The persons among you who have kept up with these are pretty swell individuals, and a lot of your questions genuinely made me giggle and feel real good inside. If you have a question about my relationship with Candace, go ahead and leave it in the comments, and I’ll wistfully look at it and think of all the highly personal things I would share with you if I could. Or somehow phrase your question as an advice question for that other series I write, and I’ll work something up for it. Yeah!