Auntie SparkNotes: My Boyfriend Acts Like A Jerk But Says Everything's Fine: What Gives?
I'm confused. I been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now. I'm finishing up my senior year of high school and he is almost done with his first year in college. I know that I love him, but I get confused about him. I just feel sad and like he does not understand me.
He has been getting distant lately, but he tells me that he is the same. I wonder sometimes if I am the one who is feeling differently. He plays a sport, and I have been seeing him less and less because of his games; right now I have not seen him for a month and we still have 2 weeks left of not seeing each other.
When I suggest doing things like skype or calling him he always says he "doesn't feel like it", and if I manage to get him to do it, he is a grump and is all "you are the one who forced me on here." I can just feel things sliding and I feel like I am the only one working to keep things going. But whenever I bring that up, he gets all moody.
I understand that we are different people, but I feel like he does not understand that I am not like him. I want to see him and talk to him and hear his voice, and not just text him all the time. It hurts to miss him, but I feel like he doesn't miss me. Lately, he always seems grumpy when we text, and he doesn't act at all like he used to. He used to always randomly tell me he loved me and missed me and that he thought I was beautiful, but he has stopped all of that. I just do not understand what is going on or what I should do, and I was wondering if you could please shed some light over here in confusionland.
Okay, but fair warning: when the lights come on, you’re really not gonna like what you see.
Because what you’re going to see is... a weenie.
And I’m so sorry, darling—not just because you’re hurting, and not just because your relationship is in a death spiral, but because on top of that, you have the additional bad luck to be dating a spineless, scared little jerk who would rather make his girlfriend doubt her sanity than just admit that he’s not feeling it anymore.
But you knew that, right? After all, your letter says everything you need to about what’s happening here: he’s cold, uncommunicative, distant, different. He’s making no effort to hold up his end of the relationship, and his defensive reaction when you suggest as much says that he knows what he’s doing. Basically, what you’ve got here is world’s most straightforward case of a guy who’s lost that lovin’ feeling—and it’s only confusing if you believe him when he says that nothing has changed and you’re just imagining things.
Which you shouldn’t. Because it is a ridiculous lie, and one that he’s using to dodge responsibility for the feelings he no longer has, the coward.
So, what should you do? First, accept this situation for what it is—a sad and messy end to something that used to be great—and that prolonging the process by which your heart breaks won’t prevent it from breaking. It’s over. I’m sorry.
And then, move on to your next step: getting angry enough over his shabby treatment of you to dump him like a ton of bricks. (Or if you’re feeling particularly masochistic, you can force the conversation that will force his hand: i.e. “Look, I know something is different. You’ve been distant and cold for weeks now. So whatever it is, I’d appreciate you having the balls to just tell me instead of prolonging the agony and making me feel like I’m losing my mind.”)
But please, for the sake of your sanity (and mine!), don’t cling anymore to this sinking ship. Stop tormenting yourself with the memory of how good things used to be; whatever it was once, it isn’t now. And when it comes to the best uses of your heart, there is no bigger or worse waste than to give it to a spineless weenie who not only won’t say he loves you, but isn’t even brave enough to admit when he doesn’t.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of the Spineless Weenie Breakup Maneuver? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Related post: The Best Breakup Advice My Mom Ever Gave Me