Let Me Give You Bad Advice: Have You Tried Mongoose Blood?
Hello, Reiders! Excellent questions this week, so I won’t waste too much time. If I did not get to your question, here is a general bit of all-purpose advice: Since bears can’t testify in the court of law, they’re the ideal witness to a crime. Let’s get started!
Hi Reid, there's a girl I like, and she totally likes me back, but our love is considered forbidden by our parents... How do I go about making our future brighter?
Forbidden love? Man, that’s a rough one. Why is it forbidden? When you say “our parents,” do you mean our parents? Like brother and sister? Because in some cases it’s right to forbid love, legally encouraged even. Unless one of you is adopted, which makes it more acceptable. If that’s the case: have you seen the movie they made about you? It’s called The Royal Tenenbaums.
The problem is that your parents have no point of reference; they think something as simple as a brother dating a sister is “wrong” and “weird.” You need to show them how bad it could be. Here’s the next five steps you need to take:
- Lice –get it!
- Excessive body modification—start piercing stuff to other stuff!
- Pagan rituals.
- Opium—don't use it. DON'T. However, it would certainly help the situation if you started buying it.
It’s simple: become so unruly, gross, and upsetting that your parents will beg for easier times when their biggest problem was a non-branching family tree. Finally: pay off the opium dealers. They’re scary, and they can find out where you live.
Hey Reid, I've got a really bad cold. I've had it for about a week or so now, and so far nothing I've tried has ended the rhinovirus's reign of terror. Any advice on how to cure this thing?
Update: It just became a fever. WHAT DO I DO?
Between your first post and the update only about an hour and a half passed, and it became a fever. Following the graph (Figure 2.3) of your illness, I assume you are now dead, or perhaps in the midst of hyper sickness—so sick it evades the grasp of human understanding.
Obviously, traditional medicine has failed you—let’s find alternatives. First: I think your blood isn’t good. While leaching may help in some cases, I think for you it would help to find you a new blood. The mongoose is a strong animal—if we’re getting new blood that’s a great place to start. If you can’t find a mongoose, most red paint will also do the trick.
However, since according to the graph you may be at risk of hyper death, I think the most defensive strategy is to find an Illness Surrogate—a scapegoat, a sacrificial lamb. Now, according to The Necromonicon, for the transfer of disease to work you’ll need a surrogate who is of a similar look and build to you, as to more easily trick the undergods. After a few Latin phrases, some bone of snake, and chalk drawings of pagan symbols you’ll be cured—much unlike your surrogate, who you selfishly cast to the pain of hyper death. You monster!
Hello Reid! Most of the time when you give bad advice you say to change the person(s)' personallity. Can you give detailed instructions for reprograming yourself?
Oh, the_lol_chick, I can’t give away my secrets that easily! It truly is too powerful of knowledge for most people to yield. However, I can recommend a good book on the subject. It’s called The Feline Wizard: A Wizard in Rhyme. I have done very little research, but from what I can tell it’s about a princess who can turn into a magical cat by rhyming. It’s also the last book in the series, which is probably a good place to start.
All of my friends love One Direction and it's really annoying. What should I do?
There’s a lot of variables in your problem, thus we have a multitude of possible answers. Here are a few that should help:
- No more ears. It’s hard to like music without ears. Try giving your friends the ol’ Double Van Gogh. This is drastic, but they’ll thank you for it—just don’t expect them to hear when you say, “you’re welcome.”
- Pavlovian conditioning. Pavlov, in his famous experiments with his dog and a dinner bell, demonstrated that by pairing two stimuli together, over time the two become inseparable—the occurrence of either stimulus alone causes the same response. I suggest that the next time your friends listen to One Direction, secretly feed your friends syrup of ipecac. This will cause a nice gentle bout of uncontrollable vomiting, which is perhaps already an appropriate reaction to the music. Soon, they won’t be able to separate One Direction from intense stomach pain.
- Leave and never come back. You tried to make this work, you gave it your all, but it didn’t go your way. There’s no hope for these people, and now you’ve only got one direction: away. Ecuador is nice this time of year, just bring a poncho—the rains start soon.
That’s it for this week! If you need any advice, leave a question in the comments and I’ll answer as many as I can next week! And by as many as I can, I mean four.