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Auntie SparkNotes: I Want A Full-On Relationship!

Auntie SparkNotes: I Want A Full-On Relationship!

Dear Auntie,
So, I'm a guy, and there's this girl that I've had a crush on for a while. About 3 weeks ago i really started talking to her (and flirting) and it's gone well. I'm not the greatest flirter but I get the job done. I have no classes with her, but we've talked a lot, we sometimes spend the entire lunch together, and we text each other often. But I still give her the space she wants. Whenever we're together people always call us a couple and think we are dating even though we're not.

However, recently things have stalled.

I learned that she works after school and on weekends, and also attends night school once a week. We've never been on an official date outside of school -- we make plans but I don't really follow through on them, like talking about going to the movies or a restaurant.

She's really smart, and so am I, but she doesn't even have time to do her homework so in my mind I think she doesn't have the time for a full-on BF, or she doesn't want one at all. But I like her lots and want to be her BF, and I can tell she likes me even though nothing's been said. I have never talked to her about relationships because I think it sounds pushy to some degree.

So how can I turn the relationship I have with this girl into a full-on relationship (BF-GF style)? I realize that I might need to talk to her about relationships and I'm willing to do so.

Oh, are you! Well, hey, that’s a good thing! Because you’re absolutely correct: you “might” need to talk about relationships in order to get a girlfriend... in the same way that you “might” need to break some eggs in order to make an omelet.

Basically, Sparkler, relationships don’t happen by osmosis. And when it comes to taking yours from strictly platonic to officially official, your peculiarly passive approach isn’t going to cut it; there’s a reason why making a move is known as, y’know, making a move. You don’t have to be pushy or demanding or obnoxious about your interest, but you do have to make it known.

And in this case, I hope you’ll make it known soon—not least because your mystifying hot-and-cold behavior is probably driving your crush up the motherfranking wall.

But before you do that, please do this: stop treating this girl like a science project, and start treating her like a person. Because if you take a look back at your letter, you’ll see that it contains about a dozen statements about her thoughts, desires, feelings, and relationship readiness... all of which are based on zero input from her. And if you want to be in a “full on relationship,” it's not enough to just tell her how you feel; you're also going to have to get into the habit of finding out what she’s feeling or thinking not by analyzing the bejeezus out of her homework habits, but by going straight to the lady herself. (And if you don’t, it’ll only be a matter of time before I get a letter from a baffled girl who’s like, “How can I tell my weirdo boyfriend to stop playing detective with my feelings and just ask me whatever he wants to know?”)

How can you make that happen? For starters, by making plans with her for this weekend. (And in the name of all that is good and pure, follow through on them. Because dates don’t happen by osmosis, either.) Take her out for pizza; go to the movies; walk in the park. And then sit her down, look her in the eye, and say, “This has been really fun, I like you a lot, and I’d like to be your boyfriend. Thoughts?”

And then, listen really, reeeeeally hard to whatever she says in response. (Hint: if she nods and smiles and says, “Yes! I’d like that!”, then despite what you may have previously thought, she’s definitely got time for a boyfriend.)

And then, write back and let us know what happened, because we are filthy gossips with nothing better to do.

Have you ever tried to make a relationship happen by osmosis? How’d that work out for ya? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at

Topics: Advice
Tags: auntie sparknotes, relationships, flirting, dating, crushes, dtr

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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