That’s right, Reiders, I’ve got the engagement ring! Next Friday night, after the next article, I’ll be proposing to Candace, my long-term, very real girlfriend. I’m nervous! I still have a lot of planning and intense physical training to get ready for the proposal. Thankfully, you guys have some questions about this to help me figure it out.
Blood diamonds are so last year! This year, we all want kidney diamonds. The trick to creating this is to harvest the kidney on a not-quite-but-pretty-darn-close-full-moon, pickle it in a jar of pure love and baby's tears, then let it sit in the markness (mostly darkness) until the 42nd day of the thirteenth month.
Now, to get to the important part: are you going to Harry Winston or Tiffany's for this ring? Because, let's face it: the setting makes or breaks a kidney diamond.
I’ve actually decided on using a kidney stone. They’re a little more natural, and it turns out it’s her birthstone, so I think it makes sense. The ring itself though is made out of diamonds entirely, which makes the ring painfully sharp and jagged. I tried it on and cut up my finger pretty gross, but thankfully Candace’s hands are calloused from all her carpentry and automotive repair.
To answer your question, I didn’t actually buy it. I made the kidney stone myself, and the ring was one of the many tokens of gratitude I’ve received for the heroic feats I accomplish on weekends. You haven’t heard of any of these exploits because the news always gets busy on weekends so my stories tend to get buried, but they certainly happen all the time. This ring was a gift from the President. No. Not of the United States. The Space President. Yeah, I have awesome weekends.
Have you and Candace ever considered adopting a pet together? If so what would you name it? Also what animal would it be?
We’ve thought about pets, but we don’t live together (if you recall, she lives in Keanu, which is far away and you’ve probably never heard of it), plus her parents tend to ritualistically sacrifice any animals in her home–they kinda creep me out. But once we have a place together we’re definitely going to adopt a pet. It’s either going to be a cat, or perhaps some kind of terrifying multiple-animal-hybrid engineered by science in defiance of God. I’d be cool with a falcon with the head of a goat, or a dog with the body of a snake or something. We’ve mostly talked about cat names, since we can't decide on a hybrid. We are considering: Future Cat, Badges, Jelly Bones, Garth, Hisstopher Nolan, or Hairy Connick Jr. Or maybe it could be named "Feline Wizard", after the title of my favorite book I haven't read about a princess that turns into a cat by rhyming.
Congratulations on (hopefully) getting engaged!! Pray tell though. HOW exactly are you going to ask her?? Please tell us Reiders all the details. Also, have you ever considered asking her to marry you with a trained, talking turtle?
I wish I could train a turtle to ask Candace (my girlfriend) to marry me, but turtles are unfortunately invulnerable to human education systems, which is why no turtle knows the multiplication tables.
With the proposal, I don’t want to do anything too elaborate; simplicity and elegance are the main goals, which is why I will be fighting a bear to the death. Of course, I could never kill an innocent animal, so I’ve been asking around the bear community for the worst, most godless of the bears. In northern Colorado it turns out there’s a black bear named Hairy Truman, who apparently one time kicked a dog in the mouth, carved a swear in a tree, and actively pirates music—truly, the worst of his kind. This will be my bear.
I plan to stroll through his part of the forest with Candace, with the cover story of trying to find a nice spot for a Colorado picnic. Then, out of nowhere, we will spot Truman. “You!” he’ll shout, “It is time for you to suffer!” You see, by this point I will have already been sending him hateful, threatening letters, this way he’ll be full of anger and fightingness on our first meeting. He’ll charge, and without hesitation I will meet the attack with a flip kick or something equally awesome and the fight will begin. It will be a savage battle; we’ll probably even shout swears because we’re in the heat of the moment. Candace will of course want to help, but I’ll make her promise not to help me. After hours of fighting, I’ll let Truman get a swipe at me—a real brutal one—and I’ll fly back in a spray of blood and shouted swears. “NO!” Candace will scream, and she’ll run to my side as I lay on the ground, smiling bravely as the bear heartlessly laughs. Then, I’ll close my eyes, and die. Full of rage and vengeance, Candace will romantically shout something like “Not my honey-boo!” and drive her fist ruthlessly into Truman’s stomach, reach past the fur into the guts and find—wait, what’s this?—the engagement ring! She’ll turn back to my once lifeless corpse, but now I’m alive, on one knee, and I’ll shakily ask, “So, Candace, will you marry me?”
I’m going to propose next Friday night, you guys have one more chance to give me some advice or ask questions about the proposal, then I’ll do it! I’m nervous, but overall pretty excited. If you have questions about my relationship with Candace, leave them in the comments and I’ll answer them next week. As always: I love you, Candace!