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The Worst Mother's Day Gifts

The Worst Mother's Day Gifts

By RG Daniels

To quote the great philosophy of the 1970s Swedish pop band, ABBA: “Mamma mia, here I go again”. It’s that time of year where we give our props to Mom for all that she does. Let’s not mess it up by giving her any of the following gifts:

  1. A $100 gift certificate to Hot Topic. Your mom deserves better than a Hello Kitty skull t-shirt and a tongue stud. Even if she’s one of those cool moms, there’s no place for a minivan driving, Matchbox 20 head-bobbing gal in one of those stores.
  2. Glow-in-the-dark frying pans. Everything looks cooler when it’s glowing in the dark. Except, of course, your entire house on fire. Keep those bacon cravings in check and wait until morning.
  3. You singing a song. Forgot to pick up a gift this year, huh? Don’t get creative on the spot and come up with something you’ll think Mom will love. You singing, for example. Unless you’re Taylor Swift (and we’ll assume you’re not) there is no reason to subject Mom to your rendition of “You Belong With Me.” Plus, that’s just weird to sing to your mother.
  4. A watch that shoots lasers. Sounds like the coolest thing in the world, right? Well, wait until those lasers are used against you for failing that Chemistry quiz. Avoid giving mom Laser Beam Power by avoiding this item altogether.
  5. A pet yak. Yaks are no joke. They get angry, they charge at you, and they eat walls. Poor mom would have more than her hands full with a pet yak. Sure, they’re cute when they’re babies, but just wait ‘til they grow up and stop listening to you. Then, you are doomed! DOOMED!
  6. A membership to the Mayonnaise of the Month Club. This club is fun for a month or two, but then it gets terrifying. Everywhere you look…mayonnaise. And weird mayonnaise, too, like Chipotle Chocolate Chip and Wasabi Raspberry. Frikkin’ gross! It’s like that movie Gremlins, but with mayonnaise. It just keeps multiplying. Say goodbye to your dog ‘cuz the mayonnaise will get it!
  7. A chair made of old toothpaste tubes. In some cities this would be considered “art.” In other cities, it would also be considered “art." Honestly, art is too broad to define, so let’s move on. Oh, and don’t buy your mom a chair made of old toothpaste tubes ‘cuz, um, her butt will smell like mint.
  8. A bed made of breakfast. Breakfast in bed is a time-honored Mother’s Day tradition. Breakfast AS a bed is not. We’re sure you’d love to give mom the gift of falling fast asleep on a stack of flapjacks with sausage pillows and bacon sheets. But be honest, half that bed will be eaten by you and Mom might end up getting angry when you pour the syrup blanket on her.
  9. Earwax. DISGUSTING! Get a Q-tip for cryin’ out loud!
  10. A trip to Mongolia. Paris. Rome. Mongolia??? Was there a free ticket giveaway at Expedia.com? Rumor has it in Mongolia, they make moms ride sheep to the supermarket and the president is a tree. Not sure what kind of tree, but it’s probably one that looks sad. Don’t send mom to Mongolia.
  11. Worms with googly eyes attached to them. It might seem like a good idea, but once you spend hours trying to attach those eyes you’ll realize what a mistake you’ve made. The terrifying shriek your mom is sure to let out is not worth the pain and trouble. Well, maybe it is.
  12. Cheeseburger-flavored lip balm. The price of glamour is high these days. If you buy this for mom, it means you’d have to buy the French fry perfume and the large Pepsi earrings (that actually have Pepsi in them!). Your mom will be a walking value meal. Don’t put a price on your mom.
  13. Clock/radio shoes. No need for ‘em.
  14. Clock/radio tennis racket. Ditto.
  15. Really, anything with a clock/radio is a bad idea
  16. A flying bicycle time machine. Just kidding! This is an AWESOME gift for Mother’s Day!
Topics: Life, Mother's Day
Tags: holidays, gifts, horrible things, lists, mother's day

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About the Author
RG Daniels

RG Daniels is a writer living in Brooklyn, NY. He likes ‘90s one-hit wonders, breakfast for dinner, and koala bears. He is currently on Level 163 in Candy Crush.

Wanna contact a writer or editor? Email contribute@sparknotes.com.

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