When My Mom Texts
Because my mom is all about being my BFF, she likes to do everything I do (actually, she does things she thinks I do, but which I’m actually too cool for). She buys flared jeans, watches “The Voice,” and dismisses annoying things with a quick “whatevs.” Once I started hitting up my friends via text, of course my hip, cool mom did not want to be left out. She soon announced that she was “sexting,” even when she was simply texting my brother, asking when he was coming home from college for a visit.
When my mom texts, I learn so many new abbreviations, most of which my mom has made up herself. She totes loves the abreevs so much that when I recently told her about FML, she about Xplod-d. In case my mom texts you, here's a quick glossary of her favorite lingo:
Bachy: This is a reference to my mom's fave reality tv show, "The Bachelor." She texts my friends "Come watch the Bachy" when she wants to hang out with my peeps.
DWI: "Deal with it." This is synonymous with 2FB, which stands for something I'm not sure I can legally write on this website.
DYL: No, this is not a new HGTV show; DYL stands for "do your own laundry."
GAS: This ones means "[I don't] give a sh*t," usually used in response to a complaint her kids send her via text, or in reference to the question, "What's for dinner?"
ICE: "I can’t even!" Mom uses this when something is really funny or when she’s so pissed at something, usually a male in my family, that she “can’t even” talk about it.
ITI: "I'd tap it"...seriously, my mom says this. I couldn't make this stuff up.
MIZZY: This is my mom's own shorty for "miserable," generally used to describe the moods of others, and occasionally herself. Last night, my dad was being a little bit of a DB and she tried to text me "he's so mizzy." When my dad's phone made a noise, she realized she had selected the wrong contact and had me quickly run to erase it.
PIMP – "Peeing in my pants"!
WTF: Sometimes I'm not sure if she means the regular phrase or “wet the furniture,” since my mom did once pee on a lawn chair when my friend and I made her laugh too hard.
Besides abbreviating things unnecessarily, my mom’s other passion in life is taking cell phone pictures to document her favorite things, including (and mostly) herself, and sharing these snapshots with half of her contacts. I snuck through her phone and pulled some of her most common types of pix for your enjoyment.
The “ I look good” pic: This is the most common kind of cell phone pic my mom snaps of herself. She usually takes this genre of photo after she has gotten her hair done, just did her makeup, or is simply fishing for a compliment. She will send out the same picture to all of her friends and of course, her favorite and only daughter, with a caption somewhere along the lines of “totes gorge.”
The “Beebs” pic: My mom affectionately calls her dogs “the beebs,” and has a dozen or so pictures of them cuddling each other on her phone. She likes to show these pics off to strangers and rant about how cute they are, before launching into a tirade about them “crapping all over our rugs.”
The “look how tan I am” pic: While my mom doesn’t fake and bake like the infamous “tanning mom,” since she is spoiled, she spends a winter month in Florida basking in the sun. While there, she likes to document how much tanner she gets than the average human being who actually works for a living, and sends photographic proof to all of her pale friends in wintry Chicago. She also sends my brother and me pictures of shrimp quesadillas, trying to entice us to come pay her a "vizzy" (her own word for visit).
The "unflattering family member pic": While my mom wouldn’t be caught dead licking an ice cream cone in a picture, it’s cool if she texts one of me to everyone, including weird uncles.
Does your mom have any special abreevs you want to share? Do you and your ma picture text? We think it's funny to bond ovr txting!
Related post: When Parents Text...Sparkler Edition!