Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The winds of change are blowing, Aries, but unfortunately that's only because a nearby bank exploded, so wear a helmet if you venture outdoors, and carry a large bag with a dollar sign on it. You are destined for prosperity, but that's only because your school bus will break down in the town of Prosperity, South Carolina during an extremely circuitous shortcut. You have a long life in store, but that's only because you will be trapped for the remainder of your life in a grocery store. The stars can keep going with this routine, if you really want them to. Your lucky fish is the Gulper Eel.