The breakdown of yearbook signatures goes something like this: 80 percent generic ("Math class was fun. Have a great summer!"), 10 percent inside jokes ("Bagel spoons, Professor! We need more bagel spoons!"), and 10 percent telling people what you really think of them. Passive-aggressively, of course! Here's how to slyly express months' worth of suppressed rage to your enemies:
1. The school newspaper editor who used a photo of you sneezing and laughing at the same time to illustrate a story about sleep deprivation: "Hey, Jennifer. Aren't seasonal allergies a B-word? We both know I suffer from them! But here's something only a few people know: you are deathly afraid of snakes. Why do I know this? I make it my job to know. Speaking of jobs, I'll be working at the snake house at the zoo this summer. I just love those cold-blooded, slithering little angels, and the way they fit so easily into my backpack. Have a great summer...and pleasant dreams."
2. The guy you suspect stole your gym shorts: "Dear Barth, Someone as obsessed with warm-weather clothing as you are should have no problem having fun this summer. But be sure not to eat too many ice-cream sandwiches, or else you'll have trouble fitting into a pair of girl's shorts! On another note, did I mention I have an undiagnosed skin condition? It's incredibly contagious and mostly affects my butt. Have a great summer at the dermatologist's office, you pyscho! Lol, jk. (Psycho.)"
3. The girl who constantly gave you the judgmental stink eye for no reason: "Hi Cindy—Though I didn't really know you, you clearly knew me. Don't believe people when they say that your face looks like a confused gerbil when you're judging people, because girl, you've just gotta be yourself! Good luck letting go of your concern over other people's business and having a nice summer!"
4. The guy who broke up with you via Facebook status update: "Isn't the Internet great? You can do all sorts of stuff on it, like go shopping, or break up with people who treated you a million times better than you deserved. The other day, in fact, I used the Internet to check out a few of your A+ papers on an online plagiarism site. And boy were your teachers interested in what I found! I know you were looking forward to lacrosse camp, but I have a feeling you'll be spending June and July right here."
Do you have any passive-aggressive yearbook signatures you're dying to use?