Guys, I don’t mean to overexcite you, but I have big news: I’m shopping for an engagement ring. I know, it might sound crazy, but I’m starting to think Candace might very well be the one for me. Candace, if you don’t know her, is my long term, long-distance girlfriend, who is both prettier and better at things than you, who loves me and who is very much so real. I love Candace (my girlfriend) so much! Wish me luck guys! But first, let’s answer some questions!
If someone approached you with an offer to make your relationship with Candace into a movie, who would play the both of you in the movie? Who would direct the movie?
Just like the greatest films of our time, the film about our love would feature Eddie Murphy playing both Candace and me. And while I wish I could say Murphy would also direct, I know that is simply too much for one man—did I mention he’d also be playing our parents? If I could somehow create a third Coen brother then maybe they’d be capable, but I think the only option would be to resurrect Stanley Kubrick from the dead and have him direct. “Mr. Kubrick, what do you want in this scene?” “Brraaiiiinnnns.” “We’ll get right on that Mr. Kubrick.”
If you had to choose one song to tell Candice how you feel about her, which one would you choose?
Unfortunately, no song can fully describe how I feel for Candace, at least, no song yet in existence. While Gordon Lightfoot’s epic “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” comes close, ultimately I’ve had to take up the guitar myself to express my feelings appropriately. I’ve included what I’ve come up with so far—it’s still a work in progress, so be gentle.
D C G
Who is the girl with the flower in her eye?
D C G
Hopefully no one—that could have lasting implications on your sight
Bmin G A
I love you, Candace, for your excellent eye hygiene
Bmin G A
You keep your eye drops handy and your tear ducts clean
D A G
Candace, you are my love, you fill optometrists with glee,
D A G
Your practical eye care regimen will set me free
Then the rest of the song is about the Civil War. Like I said, it’s a work in progress, but so far I think it might very well be the best song ever made.
What are Candace's thoughts on One Direction? Or does she have any cute fan girl obsessions?
I don’t really know if Candace likes One Direction—she’s never mentioned them, and while I have heard of One Direction, frankly that’s as aware as I want to be about them. I draw the line pretty early. What are they, some kind of hip … hop?
Though of course Candace is a big Reid fan, or a “Reider” as I like to call them, she is obsessed with one young adult fantasy series. It’s called A Wizard in Rhyme, her favorite book being The Feline Wizard. I have done very little research, but from what I can tell it’s about a princess who can turn into a magical cat by rhyming. It seems pretty promising.
If you and Candace ever had children, what would their names be and why? (Give one name for a boy and a girl each.)
For the boys, we’ve agreed to name them after only the best Cuba Gooding Jr. movies. First up will be Jerry Maguire, then Radio, and two boys will be named Snow Dogs, because it deserves as much.
As for girls, they’ll be named after movies we wish Cuba Gooding Jr. was in. First: Ghostbusters Canderson-Faylor (yeah, we’ll hyphenate). Then we’ll have a little sweetheart named Drive Angry 3D Faylor-Canderson (yeah, we switch it up every couple years). Our youngest daughter will then be a cute little redhead named “That one scene in Inception where they drive off the bridge” Canderor-Faylson. It’s not a whole movie, but I think we can agree that a little Cuba would’ve made that scene spectacular. Any remaining daughters will also be named Snow Dogs.
What are your thoughts on unicorns? Has Candace ever expressed a wish to see fairies? Why have you not taken her to Never Land so that your love can blossom forever (it's the second star to the right, in case you were wondering)? Or do you plan on dying at the same time like Noah and Allie from The Notebook?
I don’t like the way unicorns think they’re “better” than horses—they’re arrogant and inconsiderate. Do they even care about horses’ feelings?
No. Er. Yes.
Never Land? If it’s never … land … it’s … ocean. We’ve been to the ocean.
We don’t plan on dying at all—that was the lamest part of the movie. If you truly love someone you simply refuse to die. To me, that was a sign of weakness in their relationship.
That’s it for this week! Like I said, wish me luck. What kind of rings do girls like? I’ve been hearing about these blood diamond things, but I don’t think that much blood could stay in a diamond shape, unless maybe you squeeze it real hard. If you have questions about my relationship with Candace, leave them in the comments! As always: I love you, Candace!