There are some people that photograph really well because the camera just loves them. The rest of us groan internally whenever it’s picture time. We like to think our faces aren’t inherently unattractive, but in that one instant—when a button is pushed, pictures are taken and fates are decided—something horrific occurs.
Just because you’re not photogenic doesn’t mean you’re an unseemly, malformed troll-human who will inevitably die alone. In reality, there are so many factors that contribute to a person’s overall appearance (many of which have to do with personality and behavior) that a 2D image just can’t do them justice… and that doesn’t even account for lens malfunctions and issues with lighting. For some of us, simply moving around or smiling naturally increases attractiveness by about a zillion percent.
All of this does not, however, change the fact that it sucks to be that one person who derps up the prom photo. If that’s you, here’s how to cope:
1. Always make weird faces in pictures. Always. People will assume you’re a natural jokester if you’re constantly sticking your tongue out and crossing your eyes. Besides, if you’re purposefully making a funny face, nobody will have to know that your true picture persona has about five extra chins, ears that stick out like antennae, and facial blemishes that appear out of nowhere.
2. Stand next to the people that are even less photogenic than you are. Elbow your way past the beautiful picture people so you can stand next to the guy who always manages to have that really unfortunate pre-sneeze expression in photos, even when he isn’t sneezing. You’ll shine by comparison.
3. Sabotage the picture… “by accident.” Sure, everyone groans when one person screws up the picture at the last minute by blinking or turning their head. However, if you pull this move twelve times in a row, eventually they’ll just crop you out.
4. Claim you can never be in any pictures, ever, because you’re a CIA operative hoping to one day occupy a covert position. This might not go over well when it comes time for yearbook photos or mug shots, but it’ll come in handy if you ever need to go into hiding and leave behind no evidence that you ever existed. Better safe than sorry, I always say. Plus, if you can pull it off, you’ll never have to feel the judging lens of a camera upon you and just know that your face is already making spastic contortions.
5. Suck it up and smile for the camera while secretly planning to either a) pickpocket the person’s camera and frantically delete the pictures, or b) untag yourself the minute those suckers pop up on Facebook.
I am literally the least photogenic person IN THE WORLD and will be using these tips from here on out. Do any other Sparklers suffer from un-photogenic-ness? Does anyone have a cure?